I'm on a boat, bitch.

Today I went on a boat with some old white people. Needless to say, I was ready to be offended.

I did not break out into either of the above songs, BTdubs. Everyone should be proud. I didn't even tell anyone to purify themselves in the Waters of Lake Minnetonka. No one would have gotten the joke anyway.

Old guy invited us to go lay out and tan on front of the boat. In case you forgot my aversion to dying, here is the reminder. So clearly I was hesitant to go the front of the boat where the only thing keeping me from the lake were a few metal bars. In this critical moment of decision making, the old guy says, "Well you don't need to tan."

I threw caution to the wind. No way I was gonna be the only young'n to sit back there with the old fogies after that. They might have started to reminisce about the good old days and then I would have thrown myself into the lake.

After boating around and looking at the ridiculously big houses, we went to some private area for super safe boaters. It has some super serious name that included the word SQUADRON which I guess is code for old.

The old guy was now preparing to cook and announced that he would make two burgers each for the guys and one for the girls. Luckily, I did not hear this. However, it was resolved that I was going to eat the most food since apparently it is unlady like. I probably would have done this anyway but at least now I had a reason and a point to prove.

When the burgers were almost ready, old guy comes over and says someone needs to cut the buns (who gets buns that aren't pre-sliced?). Before I could even go about being the nice person I am and help with the bun-cutting, he adds, "Think one of the girls can handle that."

Obvi I wasn't effin doing it after that. The only buns I would be touching were the ones sandwiching my TWO burgers. Okkkkkkaaaayyyy.

Then he served the ladies first. In solidarity, we refused to eat until the guys got their food.

Note: I don't wear finger nail polish.

Turns out, he gave the guys bigger burgers initially. The other young woman that was there was also offended. She only ate one burger. She said she couldn't handle all that meat at one time.

The end.

Wanna know what I think?

Of course you do. So you should e-mail me things I should talk about at b.is.hilarious@gmail.com. Or if you're shy, you can leave it in the comments. I also give great advice that no one should ever take unless you want to be awesome. Did you follow that? Ok, good.

For realzies. Lemme know.

I also recently received a CHALLENGE to the most lesbian thing ever.

If two 20 somethings talk about fanny packs they actually own and actually wear in real life while they are hooking up, how gay is that? Like rainbow cat...that's a 10. I'm gonna say this convo clocks in at about 8.5. You be the judge.
Now if you were talking about fanny packs while hooking up wearing nothing but the fanny packs...then there would be a frickin flag on the field. And you would be the most awesome person ever. So there you go. New life goal for you kids. Just think about all the friction those fannies would cause.


Don't drop the soap

In case you didn't know (because why should you?) Lindsay Lohan is going to prison for 90 days...or 23...or none. Read the linked story. Go ahead. I'll wait.

What the f, RIGHT?!?

How about instead of hoping evil lesbians get their hands on Lindsay Lohan you report on the actual NEWS like the condition of the prisons or the fact that this one, like pretty much all of them, is overcrowded. 

1. The title is bullshit
2. Lindsay Lohan probably has a bed bigger than a double. I would.
3. The percentage of black women in that jail will probably be around 50%. How many of them do you think know who Lindsay Lohan is? Guessing no one's favorite movie is Parent Trap. In fact, I'm guessing none of them have seen it. Because if they saw it then they had Disney Channel. And we all know Disney Channel is the number one preventative measure for a life of crime and deviance. Number 2 is being white.
4. Guess everybody in jail is a lesbian. Just funny that they would demonize lesbians like that. I'm just saying I've never seen a news story about gay gangs waiting to get their hands on T.I. He's a good looking guy. I think he should be offended that nobody wrote a news story about his inevitable rape.

Gay Guy Gangs Ready to Lick Lil Wayne's Lollipop. Where's that headline?

LeBron leaves Cleveland

NBA players can be accused of rape, adultery, and all sorts of abuse but LeBron signs with a different team and people are crying and burning jerseys? Priorities? Anyone?

Ignore everything else surrounding this debacle and focus on this. People are mad at LeBron for leaving Ohio. OHIO? He's rich as shit! You can't even properly ball out in Ohio.

This is how conversations used to go:

Ay Bron? What you get your kid for his birthday?
Oh, I bought him a wind farm.

Hey LeBron? What you gonna spend all that Nike money on?
Actually I'm saving up so that I can move the whole state of Ohio somewhere else.

Ohio? Think of all the ballin' ass places he had to choose from.

Chicago...he could buy the Sears tower, live in the best city ever, and possibly get shot.
Miami...he could pour champagne on retirees, double date with Dwayne Wade, and watch oil wash up on the beaches.
Clippers...he could buy some fans. Or the Real L Word franchise. Maybe then their promos would use puppets instead of glowing vadges.

Think of all of the NBA players that have cracked under the pressure of fame...or just cracked...or just smoke crack. This is the worst thing he's done? Had a TV special that benefited charities? Really? Kobe can speak 4 different languages and he still didn't understand what the word no meant. LeBron has had a career with a relatively small amount of controversy. Leave that man alone.*

*I reserve the right to retract this statement at any given time for any reason I see fit.