Lesson learned

This one time I went to Germany. I learned a few things. Not all are listed below. But these are important.

1. There are lots of different sausages
2. To some people, beer is water
3. Racist remarks are funnier when said with an accent
4. If you're black, you can convince someone you're a celebrity. Even if you don't favor them at all.
5. Always do what the little white man says

That last one turns out to be invaluable advice. It all started when I didn't realize the fuckin' Autobahn was between a McDonald's and an H&M.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT. But you wouldn't know that if you saw this street. It was what looked to be a highway then some sort of tram rails then another highway. There they consider this a normal intersection. Basically, if you didn't walk when this little guy was up...

...you were fucked. I made a mental note. Always listen to the little white man or you will get hit by a car.

So when my brother complained to me about his teacher telling him he had to come in early the next day because he believed he'd cheated on a test, I had only one question.

Is your teacher a little white man?

He said yes. I told him he had to go in and retake the test. My brother was outraged. He reminded me of how I'd witnessed him studying the last few days. He said it was only natural that he did well. I implored him to go in early and retake the test. After all, his teacher was a little white man and as all Germans know, if you don't listen to him, you will get hit by a car.

The next morning I woke up early to see if  he would heed my advice.
He didn't.
He got up at the same usual time and walked to school. And you will never guess what happened on his walk to school that day.


I leaned out the window and said, "I told you." Then I drove away.

The end.

College: The best decision for the worst people

College students are terrible. No, they really are the worst people. Think about the things you did in college. Sure you learned some shit (that you forgot 3 months later), you discovered yourself (and realized that 'yourself' is an asshole), and you took chances (that people who weren't drunk 3 days out of the week would never take). Now think about all the fucked up things you've done. If anyone in the real world did those things, you wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole. They would be widely viewed as a despicable human being.

Dear college student,
You are a despicable human being.

That's why my kids aren't going to college.

I don't care if they have straight A's...actually I would care. I would be extremely concerned. To you having straight A's is an accomplishment. To me, it's a cry for help.

No college for the kids. I will look them in their faces and tear up the acceptance letter to their dream schools and even their safety school, Harvard. They won't understand at first. But I will yell, "I'm doing this for you! I'm protecting your future!"

Because just like Trick...B love the kids.