To jackass or not to jackass?

Not too long ago there was a thirty minute period of time in which I was getting.shit.done.

Thanks for your assistance

Mainly this included encouraging debaucherous behavior, something I am prone to do every now and again. In the midst of said encouraging, I was asked, "What should I do?" about a girl situation by the person whose life I was debaucherizing. Rather than offering helpful advice, I decided to be my usual gruff self and said, "Don't you have game?" I thought I'd already done the hard part by bringing the interested parties together. All they had to do was close, right?

Then I thought back to advice I'd been given recently. It ran the gamut from playing it cool to learning the art of hitting it and quitting it.

As snarky as I may be, I try to preach the importance of not being an asshole when pursuing or being pursued. Clearly I'm not perfect...I have my moments but overall when it comes to these things, I'm not a jerk. I think.

The thing about being an asshole to someone pursuing you is they have a mouth. A lot of people forget that humans do this thing called communicating. Especially when it can make someone look bad? That's the best kind of communication there is. When you're an ass to someone, they sometimes feel the need to exaggerate the situation to make you look even worse. Sometimes you can wiggle your way out of the nonsense by exposing one of their lies because if one thing doesn't fit, they lose credibility.

Little did I know, that while I'm out trying to be asshole free like a jellyfish, there are people whose whole game is being assholes. And it works. Imagine my surprise.

The thing about people who like jackasses is they don't realize that's their MO. Let me help.
Are you constantly emotionally unavailable? Do you only have bad break-ups? Do your friends hate all of your significant others?
If so, this is probably you. Stop it. If you find that you like someone who only likes jackasses and you're not a jackass, Lord help you. It's hard to fake being a jackass. You can try drinking Vodka Redbulls, withholding compliments, and never retaining information pertinent to people's lives or interests but sooner or later you're going to slip up.

Things not to do:
Ask, "How are you?" and mean it.
Say, "You look nice/pretty/anything that is not an insult."
Know their last name.
Attempt to spend time with a person unless it is a direct lead up to sexy time activities.

I could go on but you get the point. Pretty much anything that acknowledges that they add any positivity to the world other than being your possible sex partner will  out you as a non-jackass. This will seem out of sorts and therefore make you a weirdo in their eyes. I wish I had a solution but I don't. Oh well.