Eff Purses

Zomg. Fanny pack alert!

Why am I so late to find out that Rihanna has been spotted rockin’ a fanny. Does this confirm all of the rumors that she is in fact te amoing her BiFFle? As we all know, lesbians love their fanny packs. Right?

Wrong! Who the hell likes fanny packs? Lesbians in Minneapolis, that’s who. But just for funzies let’s pretend that any lady loving lady under the age of 50 would wear a fanny pack non-ironically. Does this lend credence to the Rihanna argument? Or is this just one of those things that hip hop/R&B artists and lesbians have in common. What else you ask?

Wife Beaters


Leather Jackets


Hmm...that last one might be a bad example if you get my drift.

This is not Cheers

Who knew meeting people could be so awkward? I guess I haven't been too many places where I didn't know anyone. Well this situation happened upon me the other night. A friend of mine and myself went to a bar/theater/bowling alley to see a show. I mean it's a bar/theater/bowling alley. Any show that happened there would have to be full of win. Unfortunately, that show was sold out. So what to do? We'd taken shitty MPLS public transportation (no, for realz it sucks) for forty minutes and damn it we wanted to have some fun. I bought him a drink and we chatted about how sad we were about our lack of social activities/discussed the possibility that we might look like a couple. Then it happened. Lesbian Moses parted the Purple Sea and in they walked.

Young Sporty Lesbians.

I couldn't believe my eyes. I looked at my friend in disbelief. Here before us were the fabled softball lesbians. I had to talk to them. I had to make friends! But how? What would be my in? There were three of them and they seemed content just sipping and chatting amongst themselves. Who was I to ruin their less than revelry?

Finally I womaned up. Who cares that if they were from 45 minutes outside of the cities they may have never talked to a black person before?

Apparently our previous plan of looking like lonely puppies was not the best approach so we made up a new one. My guy friend went to "make a call." I walked up to the group and asked some stupid question. It worked. And we proceeded to chat. And chat. And chat. And the friend making the call was gone.

What the f.

So here I was, referring to my "friend" that was nowhere in sight. I had to look like a creeper, right? My friend ACTUALLY made a call. A long one.

That was not the plan!

I proved to not be a creeper when he showed up. Turns out two of them were a couple and the other had a girlfriend. Typical.
And it seems they were slightly concerned before he showed up because when he did one of them went, "Good. You could have been making it up. Going to Yale and here with a friend...thought maybe you were just gonna hit on us."

What? Making up that I have a friend with me. Sure. That would make me seem less creepy. Saying I went to Yale to make approaching total stangers more endearing. Not so much. Does that work?

If anyone has gotten laid because they lied and said they went to Yale, props to you man.

However, I'm gonna roll with previous life experience that tells me people generally have a problem believing I went to Yale and it has nothing to do with the "I went to Yale now you have to sleep with me" phenomenon that may or may not be sweeping the Midwest.

The Two Try Rule

Public bathrooms. Oy.

Don't you hate when there's a line then you finally get in a stall and it looks like a drunk four year old just went. That’s why you have the two try rule. Guys may not know it but ladies do. You go the toilet and there’s a minor infraction. Little pee on the toilet. Some water on the floor. Something you can live with...but another one just opened up! Do you take the chance? Do you move to the next one or brave the situation? Cuz if you go in the next one and it’s something really bad then you're an ass for holding up the line trying to find that perfect stall. Can't go to the other one because someone went with their gut on the first stall. They just wiped the pee, avoided the water, and now they are pissing in peace. At this point you gotta take stall number two or abandon ship. You don’t wanna be the woman getting the stank face in the public restroom. That’s not cool. You never know when that shit could come back to haunt you.