Bikes and Cheerleaders

Today I rode a (real) bike the furthest I have in my life. I also should note this is something like the second time I have ridden a bike since 6th grade. That junk hurts. I don’t know if it’s a case of not remembering it because when you were younger running and biking was fun because you didn’t realize you were exercising and when you got tired you just stopped. A simpler time. Before it became exercise OR die a premature and untimely death.

Maybe kid’s bikes are much more comfy. Or maybe it’s because my butt was a lot smaller then and actually fit on the bike seat. Really bikes? Who decided that bike seats should be made of the bones of broken dreams? I imagine this is what having an STD in your ass feels like.

Moving on to helmets. They’re never stylish. When was the last time you saw a helmet and were like, “Wow. I gotta get me one of those.” NEVER. You wanna know how to look like a lame? Put on a helmet.
Eliza Dushku can’t look cool in a helmet. Not even I can look cool in a helmet. (See what I did there? That means I’m cooler than Eliza Dushku. Ok, just making sure you got it.) And in case you don’t know who Eliza Dushku is, let me remind you. She was every girl whonowdateswomen’s favorite character from Bring It On.




And speaking of Bring It On, has anyone seen the 23 sequels? Cuz I have. They’re hilariously racist. Bet you didn’t know that was a thing.




Hahaha. Did you see? It was a white girl! Gets me every time.




TRUTH BOMB

I never want a 9-5/someone please hire me

I never want a 9-5 which is gonna happen no matter how much I don't want it. I hope. How messed up is that? I'm hoping for something I don't want. Damn you capitalism. I'm working on convincing my main squeeze to go into Sales and then she can just be my sugar momma. Once that fails, my next plan is to get a camera crew to listen to me rant all day. If I rant for 8 hours, there has got to be 23 minutes of quality in there somewhere. Boom. TV show. No 9-5. That's how it works, right? Right?!?!

My bad grad

My senior quote which was said by my dean in her great accent, was, "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I'm free at last." Everyone else’s was about how much they love their family/friends/boo piece and how they’re going to miss school. I now realize this may have given the impression that I was happy to leave college and won’t miss it. This is not true. When I wrote my quote, I had just finished writing my senior essay. I want to say probably 98% of seniors had handed theirs in before that point. The only ones that were left were the fuck ups who turned theirs in late because I’m pretty sure I had the latest due date. Instant justification for my sad but hilarious quote. I had just finished being miserable, sleep-deprived, and hungry. I had the right to be a little emo. Everyone else had time to recover. Some a whole semester. I actually don't think anyone thought the quote came from a bad place. Except maybe my dean.

One thing I won’t miss about school. The dining halls. I don’t think the food is any worse than other schools who have actual dining halls instead of restaurants or express sandwich/pizza/salad lines. (It's green because of my envy.) I would even say my school's food might be better than average. I am not their biggest fan because I don’t like squash, eggplant, or tofu. And how many times were those things one of the main dishes? Like every time! Come on? I know I’m a picky eater but what the f, man. Not all liberals are vegetarians! Not all queers are vegetarians! And just because I am both, that does not mean I am more likely to be a vegetarian! I don’t know how probability works but you have to believe me. And I’m black so that automatically brings the chance of me being a vegetarian to around 1%. Good thing we’re not talking about vegans. You show me a black vegan, I’ll show you a case of revitiligo.

Another thing I won’t miss, Blue State.



Fuck you Blue State. You were supposed to be fighting The Man. Now you are The Man. With your big glass windows of contempt and your cup of steaming white guilt. Shoo from me.

I’m totally kidding Blue State. I’m just mad you got rid of Pubik Cup who got rid of Koffee Too. I was ok with it being Cup O’ Pubes because they still served Mango Jet Tea Smoothies. But then you showed up with your “reasonable prices” and putting “fresh fruit” in my smoothie. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. I like my white guilt sugary, sweet, and straight out a box. In fact, that’s how I like most things that come out a box. Or just one…Donut holes.

I love Old Navy

I have a pair of skinny pants. Not jeans though. I wanted some khaki colored pants for work but there weren’t any normal ones on the clearance rack. If I go to a mall/store (which is about once a year) I only buy things on clearance or on sale. Also, 75% of these things come from Old Navy. Don’t sleep on Old Navy. If I’m not wearing clothes I got for free or because I was on a team, I look fly. And that flyness is due in part to shopping at Old Navy. Don’t act like you didn’t have a Tech Vest. Mine was red and went well with my glasses. Juuust kidding. The only thing that goes well with glasses is virginity.

Welcome

Hello friendos,

I decided to start this blog after writing a long e-mail to my friends. Not because I had a lot to say. Because I had nothing better to do. This should also prevent me from being bored this summer. Netflix can only keep one entertained for so long. Do not fear. There are plenty of movies in my Netflix instant queue (suggestions are welcome). Since I do not have employment options after summer, I thought I would make a list. Hopefully these positions are hiring.

Professional reader of autostraddle

Naming the plans to clean up the oil spill. At this point they should just name it “Not Gonna Work.”

Naya Rivera’s full-time groupie. I’ll even do that stupid dance. It’s better than shucking and jiving.



Pimp slapper. Confuddled? Let me explain. I wouldn’t be slapping just anyone. Only pimps. Payback is a bitch.

Pro trampoline dodgeball player. I haven’t actually played yet but I’m sure I’ll be good at it. Jumping from bed like object to bed like object while avoiding balls? I think I got this one down.



And last but not least, Ninja.