Way to ruin TV, Bridesmaids

As the Whitney Cummings come-fest (see what I did there) continues, I decided I would give Whitney and 2 Broke Girls another shot before fall. Meaning I would watch the promos, upfronts, what have you. I actually wasn't too down on Broke Girls because I like Kat Dennings even though I don't remember why (probably The House Bunny) and some of the people they have on staff. I trust them I guess is what I'm saying...even though it's on CBS. Every time I even say CBS I'm pretty sure I lose five brain cells. Not like they die. I lose them. They hide and can't be found.



I actually laughed during that. During this shit though...

 

What the hell NBC? You have 3 of the best shows on TV. Last season you hit us with that awful piece of turtle shit, Perfect Couples. Now this? This show doesn't even have a premise. It's just two people with some fucking lines. Lines that aren't even funny. Even people who like Whitney Cummings think this is a mistake. And NBC. N B C. A multi-cam? Stop trying to Dutch Oven me. I know you see CBS and Modern Family and think, oh multi-cam is a good idea. It's not. It just isn't. It is not going to help your ratings. It is not going to make you number 3 or 2 or 1. It makes you look like you're trying too hard. A fucking multi-cam? Is this a joke?

Not a joke. A conspiracy. Bridesmaids did so well They had to come up with a plan to completely reverse all the good it did. Think it's a coincidence that 2 Broke Girls, Whitney, Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea (I want to slap box a chimp every time I see that name), and New Girl are all coming out at the same time? These supposed female-fronted "comedies." I sincerely hope these are better than I'm expecting.

For Your Consideration

Right now all I'm good for is talking about how painfully awful Asian and Indian kids are at sports. Hand eye coordination is something you have to learn just like you learn to read. Remember that before you pop out some wildly uncoordinated kid whose most significant athletic accomplishment will be double knotting their own shoes.

Anyway, point is this here list of TV on DVD was on the internet. Clearly this appeals to me because I watch a fuck ton of TV. I followed the prompt and talked about a show I marathoned on DVD. That's rare since I usually use los interwebs to binge on shows. Sometimes I purposely wait for shows to get a couple seasons in so I can imbibe them all at once. Sometimes I don't trust the show is as good as some say (because people are stupid) and I think on it for a few months before I give it a shot. Sometimes I'll watch something just because it's on Netflix Instant and thus requires no real effort from me. I am a lazy shit head after all. These are the shows I've consumed en masse.

Misfits
This was recommended to me on my Facebook wall. After watching I was embarrassed I hadn't heard of it. I was not embarrassed at how quickly I watched all available episodes. It was on youtube at the time. Now I think it's on Hulu. It's about some English hoods that get super powers. The black dude has a high top fade situation which is an interesting life choice. I don't know why it's so great. It's just fucking entertaining. Impossible to get bored. You don't want to multitask while watching it which is kind of how I feel while watching Mad Men.

Parks and Recreation
I was all kinds of about Parks and Rec when the pilot aired. It had Amy Poehler, the dude from Everwood, and a diverse cast including a hot interracial lady person. How could that go wrong? But a few episodes in, it wasn't quite clicking. I stopped watching. Luckily, I gave Season 2 a shot and by God was it like 12 times better. I eventually went back and watched the rest of Season 1. Was it as good as Season 2? Not by a long shot. But the characters are so fucking spot on that it didn't matter. I actually suggest people who are unsure about watching to do the same thing...view Season 2 then return to Season 1. Then be awed by the pitch perfect season 3. Even the guest stars are amazing.



Community
Community has the most unique style and imaginative writing on TV right now. It's super meta and has an abundance of pop culture references. Like Parks and Rec, you feel like you know the characters. And when you know the characters, you don't feel like the words are coming out of their mouths to be funny or to move the plot but because that's what makes sense for them. You have no clue what's going to come out of their mouths but once it does, you reckon it's the only thing that could have come out. Not to mention they have the best tag scenes on TV right now. Like this one.



How I Met Your Mother
I'm super into high fives so Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) is the man. This show, like Bones is showing it's age. I really don't give a shit who the baby mama is anymore. But the first few seasons are solid. I love everyone in the cast except the main guy. I don't even know his name. His hair is stupid.



30 Rock
If you haven't marathoned 30 Rock at least 3 times, fuck you. Tina Fey is a magical princess that descended from Mt. Olympus to show you how to get shit done.



Party Down
The entire Party Down situation was a casualty. Great show that somehow was on Starz? I don't even know. But it was awesome while it lasted. And my number one feeling about that show is Lizzy Caplan should be in all the things.



Arrested Development
The weirdest show I've ever loved. You know how shows/movies with cult followings often have cooky shit going on...like Strangers with Candy? This show had some of those elements. A never-nude, possible incest, similarly named characters, etc. The kind of risks networks run from. But it worked. And it's a show built on callbacks which I jizz over. Also, the ensemble was just ape shit crazy good.



Archer
Archer is like if Arrested Development and Jeopardy had a cartoon crack baby. There's a lot of crossover personnel wise and Archer uses the same kind of callback style. It also makes the highest brow references of any show. Also, the most random. And if you're as obsessed with catching obscure references on TV as I am, this is for you. It makes me feel smarter than everyone and of course I like that because after all, I am. I'm a genius is what I'm saying.



Boondocks
Because when you're young, black, and gifted, you're mostly trying to strike the right balance of Riley and Huey.



Chappelle's Show
What would TV be today without Chappelle's Show? I honestly think it would be a lot different. This show was smart before it was cool to be smart. It was so smart that you didn't realize how smart it was and thus a bunch of dumbasses thought it was funny too. That's the real reason Chappelle had to quit. Because the dumbasses were laughing at the surface joke when you were supposed to be laughing at the second and third level of the jokes. The most perfect satire of all time.



Happy Endings
I watched Happy Endings as it aired. Then I marathoned it soon as the season ended because I specced it. It reminds me of the first season of Parks and Rec (still finding its footing) and a Judd Apatow movie (one step pass the comfort zone sometimes). The episodes were aired out of order which is always annoying. Also, skip the pilot but episode 2 is a keeper.


The League
If you wanna bro out, watch this show. It's about a fantasy football league. Nick Kroll and the dude from the Show Me Your Genitals video are in it.




Dollhouse
Morality! Technology! Mystery! But mostly Eliza Dushku. The only Whedon I've been into. Not that I've tried or anything.

Heroes
It was soooo good then it got so confusing and tangled up and no one really knew what was happening anymore. It was such a ridiculous time line with the jumping back and forth through the future and past and 34950 different characters to keep track off. Overly ambitious some would say. I might be the only person on earth that enjoys Hayden Panettierre outside of her work in Remember the Titans. I'm ok with that.

Dexter
Marathoned the first season. Couldn't do it any more. It's fucking creepy. I can't watch this dude kill people. What the shit man. I have to give it props because the storyline was so compelling that I watched this weird looking guy awkward his way through the whole season just so I could find out how it wrapped up. Usually I would just look on Wikipedia. This goes into the same boat as people who love SVU and shit like that. Why do you wanna see a procedural where every other episode is someone getting raped? It's sickening. And it's not even fucking good guys. Do better.

Glee
Rewatching Glee was so sad. I saw all the things it could have been. How much better the first season was constructed than the second season. All the improbabilities, the inconsistencies, and just stupidity. The dropping of story lines and ignoring characters. The ridiculous notion that they could write and arrange original songs in a few hours. Through all of that there's still something about it. I don't care about what happens to any of the characters. Finn could get hit by a plane in a swimming pool and I wouldn't care long enough for Rachel to get through whatever Broadway song she would sing about it. But the moments when it gets it right...those rare inbetween far far apart moments keep me watching. Plus the Darren Criss performances. And Naya Rivera's face portion.



I've also marathoned The Office, South of Nowhere, and Lost Girl. But who doesn't watch The Office, ya know? I wouldn't really recommend South of Nowhere to the average person and Lost Girl is Canadian. Just seems wrong to give Canada props for anything.

These consist overwhelmingly of comedies. Dramas aren't my favorite things in the world. When they're good, they're good. But when they're bad, they're NCIS: Los Angeles.

Why I'm not a hipster

Today while riding my bike home, I stopped at a stoplight. There were three other people there. Four individuals on bikes at one stoplight. That was a lot to handle to begin with. Then this hipster nodded at me. Not a friendly nod. It was smug. It was self-congratulating. It was a fucking hipster nod. I couldn't believe it. Sure I had on Wayfarer looking sunglasses (got them for a buck fifty...that's not slang. They were literally $1.50), a bandanna (my ears get cold), and was listening to Local Natives (if you don't like Sticky Thread you can just kill yourself) but I'm not a hipster. Off the top of my head, here are a few reasons why.
I'm pissed off already

1. I don't like The Royal Tenenbaums. Not sure why this one popped into my head as a go to hipster flick but it is as are a bunch of others. Including The Darjeeling Limited which I have yet to see. It sounds like it would be an awesome Bollywood film but will probably be hipster nonsense. Netflix says I will give it two stars. Maybe I'll give it three because of the score.

2. I hate bikes even though it is my primary mode of transportation. But it's not a fixie because there are these things called hills. Not sure if you fuckers on one speed bikes have heard of them.

3. I don't like beer. This includes PBR.

4. I am a fan of power clashing grays but my clothes still match. I also layer properly.

5. Wispy mustaches are stupid unless you are dressed as a Mario Brother. Why are they the Mario Brothers? That makes it seem like Mario is a last name. Nintendo, do better.

6. Gays already have the triangle. So what are you doing?

7. I don't drink coffee. I feel the same way about coffee snobs the way I do about wine snobs. They're douches.

8. I don't pretend to not give a fuck...I actually don't.

9. I don't know shit about philosophy unless you count being awesome as a philosophy. Then I know a lot.

10. I don't have a Mac. I have a huge PC that my mom got from Walmart because that's how we living.

11. I only read screenplays because I'm too poor to buy books and I don't want to ride the wheels of death to the library.

12. I'm way better at being sarcastic than hipsters. It's not even a contest.

13. I prefer American Comedy to British Comedy.
Treated
14. Enough with the fucking dubstep.

15. I think I like one Arcade Fire song. In total.
16. I know leggins are not pants.

17. I don't wear plaid or floral prints.

18. I don't wear Converse, Reeboks, Vans, or Toms. It's just embarrassing.

19. I don't take pictures of myself...but I should. Look at me.

20. I don't have a tattoo. Black people don't fare well as is. Black people with tattoos fare even worse.

21. I eat meat. Most of which comes from discount grocery stores because organic shit is expensive. I'm still going to live longer than you though so...smart use of money there.

22. I wear pants that don't show my ankles...because those kinds of pants are capris and I'm not twelve. Either that or you're flooding which makes you look like the poorest kid from middle school. And when you're actually broke you do pretty much everything in your power not to look broke.

I know that in the 1940's the original hipsters were just white kids trying to be as cool as the black people playing jazz. Which brings me to why I truly loathe hipsterdom. It's an obsession with otherness while still being firmly planted in privilege.

Best friends forever...or until you realize I love you

C: don't you remember the days when you were in love with your best friend
 M: HARD TIMES
 
 B: lolol. I love you guys
 M: love you too b!
  but probs not quite as much as I loved my best friend in high school.

Since today is the day of rapture

B: I want to compose a message that says these are all the reasons you should like me
  and then list all of the things
 C: OMG B THIS IS WHY YOU ARE A GOD
 B: #34. You say I am a god

Did you talk to some food about it?

B: what did she say at dinner?
 C: can't really remember
  I just remember being scared

But what if she only acted like she loves me

B: Naya Rivera is a good actress. And that's not influenced at all by the fact I would do dirty dirty things to her
 C: no actuallly i noticed she is a really good actress
  like stellar in that scene
  I want her to love you, B

We need a new book then

B: I feel like such a fucking huge loser
 C: omg B WE ARE FINALLY ON THE SAME PAGE

Thanks Zuckerberg

C: REAL TALK
  WE HAVE PROBLEMS
  OMFG WE ARE STALKERS
  WE ARE NOT WINNING HERE
  shit
 B: lmao
  YOU SAW SOCIAL NETWORK
 THIS IS WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO
  hot or not!

But I'm not pyschic

B: I'm watching That's So Raven
C: CAN WE PLEASE BE THE GAY VERSION OF RAVEN AND THE RED HEAD

It was last week

C: She's gotta get the crazy out. 6 months from now she will be embarrassed
B: Is it International Crazy Person Day?
     Did I miss it?

That might put me in the hole


C: omg in bed eating pizza listening to closer to fine
  winning
B: had to google Closer to Fine
  not big on Indigo Girls
 C: um you just lost 10 million gay points

So not a hot dog

C: I could go for a delish cold puppy right now and punkey brewster
B: why does the puppy have to be cold
C: chili dog i mean

I thought we were on to something

C: my uncle is watching cops
  lol
 B: hahahaha
  that still comes on?
 C: hell yeah on fox
 B: we'll lets just create the new Cops
  brainstorm, on
  talk about staying power
 C: haha what do you mean new cops?
 B: like a show as easy to shoot and as ignorant that people will watch forever
 C: Toads
 B: hahahahaha
  and ruin hundreds of Yalies' futures?
  I would feel guilty
  does Harvard have a Toad's equivalent?
  of course not
 C: no, Boston sucks

To jackass or not to jackass?

Not too long ago there was a thirty minute period of time in which I was getting.shit.done.
Thanks for your assistance
Mainly this included encouraging debaucherous behavior, something I am prone to do every now and again. In the midst of said encouraging, I was asked, "What should I do?" about a girl situation by the person whose life I was debaucherizing. Rather than offering helpful advice, I decided to be my usual gruff self and said, "Don't you have game?" I thought I'd already done the hard part by bringing the interested parties together. All they had to do was close, right?
Then I thought back to advice I'd been given recently. It ran the gamut from playing it cool to learning the art of hitting it and quitting it.
As snarky as I may be, I try to preach the importance of not being an asshole when pursuing or being pursued. Clearly I'm not perfect...I have my moments but overall when it comes to these things, I'm not a jerk. I think.

The thing about being an asshole to someone pursuing you is they have a mouth. A lot of people forget that humans do this thing called communicating. Especially when it can make someone look bad? That's the best kind of communication there is. When you're an ass to someone, they sometimes feel the need to exaggerate the situation to make you look even worse. Sometimes you can wiggle your way out of the nonsense by exposing one of their lies because if one thing doesn't fit, they lose credibility.
Little did I know, that while I'm out trying to be asshole free like a jellyfish, there are people whose whole game is being assholes. And it works. Imagine my surprise.
The thing about people who like jackasses is they don't realize that's their MO. Let me help.
Are you constantly emotionally unavailable? Do you only have bad break-ups? Do your friends hate all of your significant others?
If so, this is probably you. Stop it. If you find that you like someone who only likes jackasses and you're not a jackass, Lord help you. It's hard to fake being a jackass. You can try drinking Vodka Redbulls, withholding compliments, and never retaining information pertinent to people's lives or interests but sooner or later you're going to slip up.

Things not to do:
Ask, "How are you?" and mean it.
Say, "You look nice/pretty/anything that is not an insult."
Know their last name.
Attempt to spend time with a person unless it is a direct lead up to sexy time activities.

I could go on but you get the point. Pretty much anything that acknowledges that they add any positivity to the world other than being your possible sex partner will  out you as a non-jackass. This will seem out of sorts and therefore make you a weirdo in their eyes. I wish I had a solution but I don't. Oh well.

The time I stayed up all night because my friend's roommate is a word slightly nicer than cunt

Hey remember a couple weeks ago when I was like I'm def. gonna update this more and then I did like two posts and that was the end of that. My bad. Not gonna promise any such thing this time. But I will say that trips to the East Coast do give me a little ammo. I got a fair amount of shit for not writing anything funny in a while. I assure you I am no less hilarious. It's kind of unfortunate. I blame it on my lack of anything resembling a life on the West Coast. I briefly considered changing the heading of the blog to "B is depressing" but I thought that might be a little much.

You know what wouldn't be a little much? Karate chopping my friend's roommate in the throat. At just around 3:30am Get Low started blasting from their room. Let me tell you. I was all kinds of confused because number 1, Get Low. Really? Initially I thought it to be a cell phone ringer. But the song just kept going and in my half awake state I was like damn this is a long fucking ringer. Then the song ended. And voices came on. And another song played. And I realized.

It was the fucking radio.

You guys. This girl has the radio come on at 3:30am and just lets it play. It's been almost an hour. I have not heard a shift in that room. Not only am I a heavy sleeper, I can go to sleep in about half of a second. How the fuck has no one reacted. How the hell has my friend, this girl's roommate, not gotten up and ripped the radio out the wall. I'm about two seconds from doing it myself except that I may want to crash here again at some point in the near future.

I've gotten into some situations - I've had some strange stuff happen to me. And somehow I've kept my black ass out of jail. If this girl were my roommate, there's no way. I would stuff that radio down her esophagus the first time she pulled that shit. I've been thinking about what I would say to this mystery girl if she popped into the common room to say something like, "the glow from your computer screen is distracting." Or "your typing is really keeping me up." Because I imagine that this girl has to be so out of touch with reality these are the kind of things she does. I haven't seen her yet but I imagine she looks something like this.


There was another girl in the suite who was pretty awesome. My friend made her read this post out loud. She forever has my respect. So that brings the total of people in this suite I like up to two. And NO ONE has said anything to her? No one has cursed her out? How about a passive aggressive note? I really can't believe this. Earlier today someone was saying how nice the group of Yalies they hang out with is. There are plenty of Yalies that do not fall in the nice category. I'm wondering how this terrible terrible sack of shit human being managed to live with three nice students who let this non-sense continue. They should slap her with a hipster.

OH MY GOD IT JUST ENDED. THE MUSIC JUST WENT OFF. SHE TOTALLY FELT MY FUCKING EVIL VIBES REVERBERATING THROUGH THIS COMMON ROOM. I WIN.

I'm fairly surprised the music played at 4am is similar to what's played at any other time. I kinda hoped they would just play infomercials made just for the radio. Maybe have people using the Shake Weight and narrating the workout? Or they could just play porn and make people listening imagine what was happening. Just some ideas.

The music just came back on. Who is this devil. Who lets her breathe.

Beyonder and word vomit

This is a post in which I attempt to address the music of Jarren Simmons but I really address my and possibly your life in a way that I find disgusting but necessary.

Xtra Medium has been giving us bangaz for years now. Literally years. Doesn't that make you a little depressed?  No? Just me? Anyway, YM embodies my college experience the way no other music can...mostly because he was there. "Attending" the same classes. Eating the same late night food. Lifting the same weights. Kissing the same girls. Even back then the production value of his music blew me. The songs we played in the locker room while taking 3 minute showers so we could make it to Commons before Leroy stopped making pizzas into anthems depicting Yale's beloved student-athletes. I will never hear Bling Bling again without changing the words to those of Kenny Bling. When I'm feeling nostalgic about college, there's nothing better to throw on.

Fortunately, (or unfortunately,) we are still on a journey together. Now more than ever, those years feel like the shortest gladdest years of life. Maybe we did the Ivy League wrong. Maybe I'm overreacting. Or maybe we have souls that would putter out and die if we took a job we wanted instead of one we Wanted. Us creative types. Writing words for you. Singing songs for you. Making pretty pictures for you. Because whether you realize it or not, we are you. Tucked away in our apartments or at your local coffee shop doing what we may or may not do best but doing it because we have to. Because we can't be just another cog. Because it's bigger than us and it's JUST US at the same time.



Leather Laces seems to be the track of choice for a lot of people but who would I be if I didn't show my appreciation for Upstream, the song featuring J Prophet. I was listening to him long before our days at The Eliot. Since the time of Bulldog Days when he sent me Run to the Rock.



I don't know how much time Xtra Medium put into this mixtape just like you don't know how much time I put into anything I write. But I know what he put into it. I think a lot of us are Broke but not Broken but I don't know how long we can stay that way. In this fucked up world we live in we're all a bunch of camels and there's no telling where that next piece of straw is going to come from. Let Our art be your water and strength. All you need is the heart to keep going.

DL the mixtape here.

Xtra Medium - www.oakboyfresh.com/
J Prophet - www.JPROPHET.com

I'm mad at bathrooms again


What is with the napkins in bathrooms? Where it's not even a roll. It's just a little square. And they come out one at a time. You need 50 of them to wipe once. They're thinner than the cheapest roll you can buy. Half a ply I believe. Who invented that? It had to be some guy who hates women. He was like what would be the sneakiest way to enact my hatred for women? I've got it. Ill make them wipe with tiny strips of sand paper. It's like wiping your ass with cast away cheat sheets from a 6th grade English class.

Don't ruin Brittana Day

On my way home, I saw a girl jump a dude.

No one did this and it made me sad.

Everyone just sat their quietly continuing their business. Made me wonder what people think in that situation. My first instinct is to determine the likelihood that they have a weapon that could do me damage. Didn't look like they did so I sat there. Ilooked out the window, and listened to my iPod like it wasn't happening. I had this whole funny way to tell this story planned out in my head but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to make a joke about how a ghetto Oprah appeared out of nowhere after the altercation was over. How did she know it was going on? She swooped in like her nigga moment radar had gone off and she was there to save the day.

It's bringing me down. It brought me down. I'd shared Brittana Day with two awesome gaydies, I'd gotten some good news about a certain hobby of mine, I'd had a decent night at the club and the way my day ends is by two black people fighting on the train? What kind of self-respect (or lack of) do you have to just attack someone on public transportation? I know it's public transit and crazy stuff happens all the time (a guy told me about how he got off a light rail because there was a homeless guy jacking off) but that doesn't mean I was ok with seeing it. Just sad. It almost makes me want to do something to help prevent stuff like this from happening. Almost.

Everything I'm saying I'm super saiyan like Goku

It's been a whole two days since the Childish Gambino EP was released and I'm just now hounding you about it. Progress. DL here

This is the Kristen Stewart of videos.

Freaks and Geeks from Donald  Glover on Vimeo.

I'm just saying if you're gonna talk about jizzing on someone' face, I appreciate the use of e.e. cummings.

Also, a funny tumblr for you.

Your brain on love

The thing about relationships is everyone is crazy. I honestly think the way for relationships to work out is that you find someone whose crazy meshes well with yours. Know what your crazy is and own it. Sometimes you catch yourself in your own crazy and you become a relaxed, chill, functional adult. But other than, love is a drug and you know what they say about drugs...they're awesome. Kiddddinnnggg.
 
So what happens when you reach this plain of serenity? You get yourself in check.
 
I'm gonna chill out and not wish she got hit by a boat again. That was fucked up. How does someone even get hit by a boat?  
 
This is a great plan unless you get into an argument and the non-crazy form of you that exists for all of two hours can't come up with any good comebacks to combat your still crazy loved one. Technically sane you could avoid the fight altogether but who doesn't love a good fight? 
 
Instead of your usual snarky comebacks, you're left with things that you're generally dissatisfied with but have nothing to do with the other person. This is because sane you tries to be nice. What a pussy. You may actively avoid meanness, but you're still an asshole that loves a good fight. So something like this happens:
 
Crazy person (in response to you watching Private Practice without them):You are such an asshole. I can't believe I did this. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't even keep myself from dating you. I would go alllllll the way back and make sure you were never born. This is years of my life down the drain. 
 
Sane person: Years? Years??! Just yesterday I came home and we ain't have no chocolate milk. Why would you not remind me that we ain't have no chocolate milk?!?! 
 
Crazy person (because you didn't laugh at their joke): I feel like you don't like me as a person. Do you even like me anymore?
 
Sane person: How am I supposed to answer that? Ever since I got Final Jeopardy right you think I'm supposed to have all the answers. Am I God? Do I look like God to you? Does God like you as a person?

What does it look like?

Why do people ask really obvious questions? That was a really obvious question - because they're stupid.

Regardless, I hate it. Sometimes it really bugs me. If I'm sitting on the couch eating a brownie and watching TV, why would you ask me what I'm doing. I'm sitting on the couch eating a brownie and watching TV. How was that not apparent? My little brother does the same thing. He knows what I'm doing; he asks because he wants me to pay attention to him. However, he knows that questions are preferable to throwing a temper tantrum. Grown ass humans seem not to have picked up on this. Because if I were to respond to with "uh, sitting on the fucking couch eating a brownie and watching TV" all of a sudden I'm the bad guy and there's a "problem." Probably has to do with the fact that I would most definitely add the word fucking and say it with a slight attitude but what do you want from me? What am I supposed to say in this situation?

Building an A-bomb.
Washing the car I don't have.
Teaching myself French silently.

All of these would be lies. And they would say, "no, you're not." And then I would say, "Well what am I doing then?" And then they would answer their own damn question because anyone with eyes would have known that I was sitting on a couch eating a delicious brownie. Or not delicious because even if it wasn't that good, who doesn't finish a brownie ya know?

Someone related to me is in this video

I have lots of witty things to say about it but I'm lazy

Beyonce wears some make-up. Ignorance leads to blackface accusations. People are angry.

By now you might have heard about Beyonce's "make-up incident."
Media outlets across the globe are saying this is blackface and asking if it's racist because people only care about whether things are racist when it doesn't actually affect anything or matter at all really. Who the hell would have known about this photo shoot without the makeup? It seems like it was a random act of fashion or a publicity stunt by L'Officiel Paris at the worst. And the fashion industry puts white models in actual black face all the time! But no one knows because who the fuck is reading fashion magazines. The girls on American's Next Top Model don't even look at that ish. Furthermore, it (like most of the other magazine with questionable shoots) is not even an American magazine which changes everything. These French people were probably too busy drinking wine and being le tired to be bothered with researching the possible implications of putting dark make-up on Beyonce. Everytime someone puts on dark make-up, it is not blackface. Blackface is a particular type of composition.
You can feel how you want about the various croppings up of this mainstream toned down blackface as you want (30 Rock, Tropic Thunder, etc.) but come on. This is not blackface.
Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder
Nowadays people can imagine a lot of things. Charlize Theron as ugly, Big Bang Theory as a good show, Taylor Swift as an actress, but imagining someone as a different race is too much of a stretch of the imagination for Americans.
Charlize Theron in Monster
It's why putting a white or black actor in makeup to make them appear a different race is so risky. If it works, it's comedy gold. If it doesn't someone might call you racist for like...a week.
Eddie Murphy in an SNL sketch
Where are all these people when Beyonce has a noticeably lighter face? Gabourey Sidibe was on the cover of Elle looking like Michael Jackson and how many people cared? African-American males have their complexions darkened in various forms of media to seem more menacing/dangerous/BLACK and that never gets attention.
The real discriminatory practices carry on once again because people only pay attention to what the media says is wrong. In conclusion, people are stupid and I'm more angry about their stupidity than whatever act was supposed to be offensive in the first place.

Ke dollar sign ha

This episode of Glee (Season 2, Episode 14 "Blame It on the Alcohol") opens in Abed's dad's office.

All the students at William McKinley decide to get drunk for this one week. At the same time everyone at the high school was like let's get schwasted. I don't think that happens. But then again, who would have believed that teenage girls make pregnancy pacts.

We're on to the teacher's lounge or wherever teachers go to eat while silently brooding. Will and Emma talk about how Will isn't getting laid and I wonder how inconsistent this whole Emma is terrified of germs story line is because she has a bunch of fruit in front of her but hasn't done anything spazzy. Then Sue comes to remind the audience that she is now coaching a rival Glee club even though we all already know that because I don't think Glee gets too many rando watchers. It's just high schoolers, lesbians waiting for Brittany and Santana to get together, and gay guys because Blaine sings every episode. We see Sue push the coach of Aural Intensity down the stairs and because everyone in the Gleeniverse is an idiot, he waits around for Sue to push him again. Which is fine with me because I thought it was hilarious.

Puck calls Rachel a JAP which I guess is supposed to be okay because he's Jewish and it's Glee and Glee can do whatever the fuck it wants and we just laugh because we'll suffer through anything to see what happens later on in this episode (coughbodyshotcough) because we are sad human beings with no souls or morals and a penchant for TV with no plot and perpetually undeveloped characters.

Puck says he knows thet Rachel's parents aren't going to be home even though she hasn't told anyone and I'm like OMG is this gonna be the rape episode? But then I realize that I haven't been watching Criminal Minds lately so I forgot that you only get raped by psychopathic strangers and they kill you afterward so there's no need to have an episode that deals with the dangers of that or anything.

Then just in time piano dude walks in. Oh yeah, and Finn's there too wearing jeans and a toddler's pajama shirt.

Rachel is all on his nuts by not being on his nuts and is talking about some people no one has ever heard of. Finn doesn't know who they are either but I don't think he would know who the president is. Rachel sings a God awful song that I wasn't initially against because after the first half of the song I thought it was about her vibrator and I was like yessss, it's the masturbation episode. Then she starts talking about pony tails or something and we find out it's about her headband. They both agree the song sucks, Rachel thinks she needs to get drunky face to have the worldly knowledge needed to write a good song, and Finn says something creepy about not getting past second base because Rachel has never take a ride on the tipsy train. Point is, there's gonna be some teenage debauch at Rachel's house in the form of a party.

I don't know what the stylist of Glee has with fur collars but Puck and Santana both have a baby lamb situation going around their necks.


Onto Rachel's basement. Rachel says, "Hey, girlfriend" to Quinn which was awesome. Rachel had quite a few good lines this episode. She should be drunk every episode. Santana and Sam are making out so I did some foreshadowing of my own and puked. Brittany is sitting on the washing machine wearing a tie. There are so many places that could have gone but didn't. The party is boring so people wanna leave. Everyone's dissing the wine coolers (even though Puck brought them at Santana's request) and Celebrity which is a big no no 'cuz Celebrity is the shizz. Then this happens and I go all Taylor Swift because I act surprised but really, I'm not :


There's a shot of Kurt dancing which was a bad as you imagined after seeing him struggle along during The Warblers performances. J-Kwon gets out of jail and everybody's tipsy. Finn doesn't know you can't get a girl pregnant by jizzing in a hot tub but he knows all the different kind of drunks girls can be. He doesn't talk about what kinda drunks the guys are. I guess the good kind.

They play spin the bottle. Brittany and Sam kiss. Santana says "no me gusta" so I guess she can speak Spanish or she's been paying attention in Mr. Schue's class but probably neither. Blaine and Rachel "kiss." It's really terrible looking and I don't know if their lips actually touched as much as Rachel's lips and the corner of his mouth/beginnings of his cheeks/top of his chin saw a lot of action. Then they sing a song because that's what you do after you make out with someone. There's a lot of jumping. Rachel's green frock has a lot of bounce. Some people sing along including Mercedes. She's the only black teenager in the country that knows this song unless people remember this Chips Ahoy commercial.



It's the next morning and someone needs to clean the shit out of the wall in Kurt's house.
His dad rolls in and finds Blaine in Kurt's bed. It freaks him out because he knows it's been like 8 months since Kurt has changed those sheets.

Now we're in the hall and there are two Asian characters. No other show in the history of the world has had two Asian characters. It just doesn't happen. It is Glee's duty to make stereotypical Asian jokes because when you have Asians on your show you have that chance. You can't just let it pass. So Mike Chang talks about drinking some some Panda hair tea and I breathe a sigh of relief. Cue Artie rolling down the hallway singing Blame It on the Alcohol. I have to admit, of all the hallway singing, I enjoy Artie's the most. Cut to New Directions on stage in club-like attire except for Quinn who looks like she's going to the funeral of the bird she killed to make her necklace.
Blaine and Kurt go for coffee and get into an argument about bisexuality because Blaine's going on a date with Rachel. Kurt bi bashes because he's mad and horny and that's what happens when you haven't got any ever. Blaine throws a total bitch fit and bounces.

Will and Coach Beiste go to a country bar. There are lots of blondes, cowboy hats, and guitars. I don't know why Lima, Ohio has a bar such as this one. I guess the KKK has to meet somewhere. They sing another song I've never heard. What's she doing there?
Diversity, bitch
Rachel and Kurt clean up the party four days later. Rachel, Kurt, and Mercedes are supposed to be tight now but Rachel doesn't give a shit that Kurt likes Blaine so this scene is stupid and I don't really care.

The grown-ups get back from the bar. Will has his best scene ever when he gives everyone A pluses, says he doesn't even know who a student is, and drunk dials someone. I wonder who it is? Oh, wait. I already know it's gonna be Sue even though he thinks it's Emma. I wonder what she's gonna do with the message? Oh, I already know that too.

Lil' B taught Kurt's dad, Burt, a little something so he's in the kitchen cooking (whoop). Kurt's all Blaine and Rachel have been singing duets and his dad's all but didn't you and Blaine "sing a duet" the other night. And Kurt's like no. WTF, mate. I haven't gotten any ass. Thanks for reminding me. Then Burt is like I don't know what you homos do. I took Sex Ed with Finn and you might be pregnant like Arnold Swarchenegger in Junior. And Kurt is like haven't you ever heard the term, "butt pirates?" You're a grown ass man. Figure it out and then lemme know because I won't be asking about snatch anytime soon.

New Directions performs Tik Tok and I have to say it sounds weird when it's not autotuned to death. Brittany dances a lot and that's always dopeness. Abed's dad as Principal Figgins dances during the performance; it's a special moment. Brittany throws up on Rachel. It looks nothing like vomit. It looks like gray paint. If your throw up ever looks like this, go to the emergency room immediately. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars.
Sue does that thing we all knew she was gonna do...plays Will's message over the school's intercom. Emma is eating a sandwich with plastic gloves on when she hears it even though she wasn't wearing them earlier when she had enough fruit to feed a Guatemalan village. I guess her absent hubby has hit a speed bump when it comes to helping her with her OCD.

Figgins thought the Glee kids throwing up on stage was part of the performance, Blaine is gay, Rachel is gonna write another song after being dumped by a guy who turned out to be gay, blah blah. I just want to see Episode 15. I've waited my whole life for Episode 15. If it lets me down, I'm gonna drink so much I'll be vomming gray shit and drunk dialing Mr. Schue.

Also, a good anti-drinking song is Kimya Dawson's The Beer in case you're an alcoholic because Glee didn't make anyone aware of anything they didn't know unless you didn't know that show has zero continuity.

I made a funny Glee related tumblr. You're probably not cool enough to get the joke. But just in case, here.