Black people don't canoe

The boo piece is mixed. And a lot of time people mixed with black and white just end up acting either black or white (and if you try to say something to me about there’s no such thing as acting black or white, I hope you choke on your liberal tongue). I swear she is split 50/50. She does all the stupid shit white people do but does it with the swagger of a black person. It’s the craziest shit I’ve ever seen. For example, she wanted to go skydiving. She’s wanted to for a long time.

She got super excited and asked me did I wanna go. Of course I said no. I’d rather not possibly leap to my death. Thanks for wanting to include me in your death wish though. I find that’s a good way to know if a white person really likes you. They invite you to do something stupid as shit with them.

White person: Hey, you wanna go get chased by bulls with me?
Me: You know, I think I’m gonna pass but I’m honored that you would invite me to suicidal mission #27.

Anyway, she goes skydiving. And now when you go skydiving, it’s not like you have to remember when you almost shit your pants. They take pictures of it for you. So right about the point that 100% white people start freaking out is when the black half comes out and she gets all gangsta. She’s throwin up peace signs and mean mugging the camera. If she was on the plane for another minute, I think she woulda pulled a fitted cap from out her sleeve and said “thug life.”

Why are white people always surprised when black people don’t wanna do the crazy shit they do? Do I want to go sky diving? No! You're jumping out a plane and I gotta explain my reasoning? You know why they always kill the black people in scary movies first? They have to! Or else we would offer actual logical information and then there wouldn’t be a movie because everyone would escape safe and sound.

I went camping the other day and some of the people on the trip wanted to go canoeing. They asked me if I wanted to go. Uh, pass. That’s like combining the top 3 things black people don’t want shit to do with. Water, boats, and danger. You remember how things turned out the last time those 3 things were combined?

Then they always wanna know why. Cuz I’m black. That’s reason enough. I think the best part of the camping situation is when I left (and by left I mean I went into the tent that is thinner than a sheet of paper and five feet away) they started talking about it! Like, "Yeah, you know a lot of black people can’t swim." I CAN HEAR YOU. Not that I’m offended. Just that I wanted the chance to rant at you about WHY a lot of black people can’t swim. Oh, that white guilt woulda been delicious over an open fire.

Back to the g-fry. Another time these dueling personalities come out is during the evenings when we’re thinking of things to do. One night she’s all, “Let’s go to an open mic night at a coffee shop and listen to slam poetry. I’ll bring my Conga and African jewelry. We can drink fair trade coffee and snap ‘til our thumbs bleed.”

Then the very next night she’s like, “Let’s watch NCIS.”
So you went from dashiki to depressed housewife in 24 hours? You want some warm milk, too, grandma? 

NCIS? I’m like what the hell are you gonna watch when you’re actually old? You’re not gonna have any shitty TV to look forward to! If I walk in on her watching The Price is Right, I’m leaving.

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAH OMG Folks know "act white and act black" exist. That's not saying white folks can't act black or saying that anything's wrong with just is what it is. Your boo piece is mixed. Mine IS white and that woman sure do be actin black sometimes. I think this is the funniest post yet and it reminded me of that Kevin Hart stand up when they went canoeing. Watch it. Now.