The Ten Commandments of Coming Out

I don't know if there are actually ten of them. I just know that some list of do's and dont's can't apply to everyone. I personally think having a big coming out party seems to fly in the face of the whole there's nothing different about/it shouldn't be a big deal mantra.

http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2010/07/how-not-to-come-out-of-closet.html

I'm also confused by the picture that accompanies the above post.

The title of said post is a little harsh. I don't think you get to tell people how to come out. Maybe some helpful suggestions from Queers of Christmas Past but that language was pretty strong.

It could be because I'm not really into the coming out the closet phenomenon. I'm more into the I'm gonna do what I want and you're gonna deal with it approach.

As a basic rule to life, I say don't tell your parents anything until you are no longer living at home for a majority of the year. Parents should always be on a need to know basis...like Bones.

I guess things might be different if

a.) only one of your parents worked (if you had two)

b.) your parents didn't have a bus load of kids and put all of their hopes and dreams on your tiny child back parts

c.) you are one of those weirdos who are super creepy close with your parents

I know all about making the personal political but there should be some sort of age limit on this advice. Talk about your sexuality? Teenagers are super fuckin angsty (like in The Kids Are All Right which everyone should go see) and probably lack the appropriate language to delve into some in-depth consciousness raising conversation about their sexuality when they're trying to figure it out themselves.

That's the UHH poster from the movie that you should go see.

Shit, you don't even have to be a teenager to be in that boat. You want to be helpful? Write a manual for parents on how to grow the fuck up and learn what unconditional love means.

Then there's the "don't tell them you have a girlfriend or boyfriend." Why not? So you want me to be gay AND undesirable. I'm gonna be discriminated against and judged for the rest of my life. At least take solace in the fact that I'm getting laid.

In some cases, the relationship card could be just what you need to dodge the bullet. They might be so surprised that anyone wants to be in a relationship with you, that they completely ignore the gender of the idiot who would do such a thing.

Thou shall not come out to a group. Instead, schedule one on one meetings in your super glitttery gay calendar book.

All this talk of telling people how to come out reminds me of how pissed I get when my favorite queer sites forget people of color exist. They're telling everyone to be super liberal and awesome like they are and they want there to be representation for queers of all colors and shapes and sizes and zodiacs and rainbow hugs for everyone!

Then I look at the little picture on the side of the page and...

ZOMG

None of them are black.

Unless you are giving black people representation, please do not try to comment on anyone's choice to stay in, under, or around the closet. It's a tad hypocritical for you to be all Queen Latifah come out come out wherever you are like it's a big gay game of hide and seek when I don't remember the last time I saw something written by a black person on your site and most of the black people you do cover are gay for pay. You can't yell at people for not coming out when you're perpetuating the system that led to the circumstances they're in today. My point is don't be all in our closet when you're still holding the noose.

THAT JUST HAPPENED

I'm on a boat, bitch.

Today I went on a boat with some old white people. Needless to say, I was ready to be offended.

I did not break out into either of the above songs, BTdubs. Everyone should be proud. I didn't even tell anyone to purify themselves in the Waters of Lake Minnetonka. No one would have gotten the joke anyway.

Old guy invited us to go lay out and tan on front of the boat. In case you forgot my aversion to dying, here is the reminder. So clearly I was hesitant to go the front of the boat where the only thing keeping me from the lake were a few metal bars. In this critical moment of decision making, the old guy says, "Well you don't need to tan."

 

I threw caution to the wind. No way I was gonna be the only young'n to sit back there with the old fogies after that. They might have started to reminisce about the good old days and then I would have thrown myself into the lake.

After boating around and looking at the ridiculously big houses, we went to some private area for super safe boaters. It has some super serious name that included the word SQUADRON which I guess is code for old.

The old guy was now preparing to cook and announced that he would make two burgers each for the guys and one for the girls. Luckily, I did not hear this. However, it was resolved that I was going to eat the most food since apparently it is unlady like. I probably would have done this anyway but at least now I had a reason and a point to prove.

When the burgers were almost ready, old guy comes over and says someone needs to cut the buns (who gets buns that aren't pre-sliced?). Before I could even go about being the nice person I am and help with the bun-cutting, he adds, "Think one of the girls can handle that."

Obvi I wasn't effin doing it after that. The only buns I would be touching were the ones sandwiching my TWO burgers. Okkkkkkaaaayyyy.

Then he served the ladies first. In solidarity, we refused to eat until the guys got their food.

Note: I don't wear finger nail polish.

Turns out, he gave the guys bigger burgers initially. The other young woman that was there was also offended. She only ate one burger. She said she couldn't handle all that meat at one time.

The end.

Wanna know what I think?

Of course you do. So you should e-mail me things I should talk about at b.is.hilarious@gmail.com. Or if you're shy, you can leave it in the comments. I also give great advice that no one should ever take unless you want to be awesome. Did you follow that? Ok, good.

For realzies. Lemme know.

I also recently received a CHALLENGE to the most lesbian thing ever.

If two 20 somethings talk about fanny packs they actually own and actually wear in real life while they are hooking up, how gay is that? Like rainbow cat...that's a 10. I'm gonna say this convo clocks in at about 8.5. You be the judge.
Now if you were talking about fanny packs while hooking up wearing nothing but the fanny packs...then there would be a frickin flag on the field. And you would be the most awesome person ever. So there you go. New life goal for you kids. Just think about all the friction those fannies would cause.

 

          +

 

         =