To jackass or not to jackass?

Not too long ago there was a thirty minute period of time in which I was getting.shit.done.

Thanks for your assistance

Mainly this included encouraging debaucherous behavior, something I am prone to do every now and again. In the midst of said encouraging, I was asked, "What should I do?" about a girl situation by the person whose life I was debaucherizing. Rather than offering helpful advice, I decided to be my usual gruff self and said, "Don't you have game?" I thought I'd already done the hard part by bringing the interested parties together. All they had to do was close, right?

Then I thought back to advice I'd been given recently. It ran the gamut from playing it cool to learning the art of hitting it and quitting it.

As snarky as I may be, I try to preach the importance of not being an asshole when pursuing or being pursued. Clearly I'm not perfect...I have my moments but overall when it comes to these things, I'm not a jerk. I think.

The thing about being an asshole to someone pursuing you is they have a mouth. A lot of people forget that humans do this thing called communicating. Especially when it can make someone look bad? That's the best kind of communication there is. When you're an ass to someone, they sometimes feel the need to exaggerate the situation to make you look even worse. Sometimes you can wiggle your way out of the nonsense by exposing one of their lies because if one thing doesn't fit, they lose credibility.

Little did I know, that while I'm out trying to be asshole free like a jellyfish, there are people whose whole game is being assholes. And it works. Imagine my surprise.

The thing about people who like jackasses is they don't realize that's their MO. Let me help.
Are you constantly emotionally unavailable? Do you only have bad break-ups? Do your friends hate all of your significant others?
If so, this is probably you. Stop it. If you find that you like someone who only likes jackasses and you're not a jackass, Lord help you. It's hard to fake being a jackass. You can try drinking Vodka Redbulls, withholding compliments, and never retaining information pertinent to people's lives or interests but sooner or later you're going to slip up.

Things not to do:
Ask, "How are you?" and mean it.
Say, "You look nice/pretty/anything that is not an insult."
Know their last name.
Attempt to spend time with a person unless it is a direct lead up to sexy time activities.

I could go on but you get the point. Pretty much anything that acknowledges that they add any positivity to the world other than being your possible sex partner will  out you as a non-jackass. This will seem out of sorts and therefore make you a weirdo in their eyes. I wish I had a solution but I don't. Oh well.

The time I stayed up all night because my friend's roommate is a word slightly nicer than cunt

Hey remember a couple weeks ago when I was like I'm def. gonna update this more and then I did like two posts and that was the end of that. My bad. Not gonna promise any such thing this time. But I will say that trips to the East Coast do give me a little ammo. I got a fair amount of shit for not writing anything funny in a while. I assure you I am no less hilarious. It's kind of unfortunate. I blame it on my lack of anything resembling a life on the West Coast. I briefly considered changing the heading of the blog to "B is depressing" but I thought that might be a little much.

You know what wouldn't be a little much? Karate chopping my friend's roommate in the throat. At just around 3:30am Get Low started blasting from their room. Let me tell you. I was all kinds of confused because number 1, Get Low. Really? Initially I thought it to be a cell phone ringer. But the song just kept going and in my half awake state I was like damn this is a long fucking ringer. Then the song ended. And voices came on. And another song played. And I realized.

It was the fucking radio.

You guys. This girl has the radio come on at 3:30am and just lets it play. It's been almost an hour. I have not heard a shift in that room. Not only am I a heavy sleeper, I can go to sleep in about half of a second. How the fuck has no one reacted. How the hell has my friend, this girl's roommate, not gotten up and ripped the radio out the wall. I'm about two seconds from doing it myself except that I may want to crash here again at some point in the near future.

I've gotten into some situations - I've had some strange stuff happen to me. And somehow I've kept my black ass out of jail. If this girl were my roommate, there's no way. I would stuff that radio down her esophagus the first time she pulled that shit. I've been thinking about what I would say to this mystery girl if she popped into the common room to say something like, "the glow from your computer screen is distracting." Or "your typing is really keeping me up." Because I imagine that this girl has to be so out of touch with reality these are the kind of things she does. I haven't seen her yet but I imagine she looks something like this.

There was another girl in the suite who was pretty awesome. My friend made her read this post out loud. She forever has my respect. So that brings the total of people in this suite I like up to two. And NO ONE has said anything to her? No one has cursed her out? How about a passive aggressive note? I really can't believe this. Earlier today someone was saying how nice the group of Yalies they hang out with is. There are plenty of Yalies that do not fall in the nice category. I'm wondering how this terrible terrible sack of shit human being managed to live with three nice students who let this non-sense continue. They should slap her with a hipster.

OH MY GOD IT JUST ENDED. THE MUSIC JUST WENT OFF. SHE TOTALLY FELT MY FUCKING EVIL VIBES REVERBERATING THROUGH THIS COMMON ROOM. I WIN.

I'm fairly surprised the music played at 4am is similar to what's played at any other time. I kinda hoped they would just play infomercials made just for the radio. Maybe have people using the Shake Weight and narrating the workout? Or they could just play porn and make people listening imagine what was happening. Just some ideas.

The music just came back on. Who is this devil. Who lets her breathe.

Beyonder and word vomit

This is a post in which I attempt to address the music of Jarren Simmons but I really address my and possibly your life in a way that I find disgusting but necessary.

Xtra Medium has been giving us bangaz for years now. Literally years. Doesn't that make you a little depressed?  No? Just me? Anyway, YM embodies my college experience the way no other music can...mostly because he was there. "Attending" the same classes. Eating the same late night food. Lifting the same weights. Kissing the same girls. Even back then the production value of his music blew me. The songs we played in the locker room while taking 3 minute showers so we could make it to Commons before Leroy stopped making pizzas into anthems depicting Yale's beloved student-athletes. I will never hear Bling Bling again without changing the words to those of Kenny Bling. When I'm feeling nostalgic about college, there's nothing better to throw on.

Fortunately, (or unfortunately,) we are still on a journey together. Now more than ever, those years feel like the shortest gladdest years of life. Maybe we did the Ivy League wrong. Maybe I'm overreacting. Or maybe we have souls that would putter out and die if we took a job we wanted instead of one we Wanted. Us creative types. Writing words for you. Singing songs for you. Making pretty pictures for you. Because whether you realize it or not, we are you. Tucked away in our apartments or at your local coffee shop doing what we may or may not do best but doing it because we have to. Because we can't be just another cog. Because it's bigger than us and it's JUST US at the same time.



Leather Laces seems to be the track of choice for a lot of people but who would I be if I didn't show my appreciation for Upstream, the song featuring J Prophet. I was listening to him long before our days at The Eliot. Since the time of Bulldog Days when he sent me Run to the Rock.

I don't know how much time Xtra Medium put into this mixtape just like you don't know how much time I put into anything I write. But I know what he put into it. I think a lot of us are Broke but not Broken but I don't know how long we can stay that way. In this fucked up world we live in we're all a bunch of camels and there's no telling where that next piece of straw is going to come from. Let Our art be your water and strength. All you need is the heart to keep going.

DL the mixtape here.

Xtra Medium - www.oakboyfresh.com/

J Prophet - www.JPROPHET.com