Songs you wouldn't think I'm listening to that I am in fact listening to

Nothing funny about good music you didn't think black people knew about. Fuck you hipsters.

Ra Ra Riot- Each Year Absofacto Remix
Angus & Julia Stone - Paper Aeroplane
Florence and the Machine - Rabbit Heart
Husky Rescue - Sound of Love
Local Natives - Sun Hands
Metric - Help I'm Alive
Miike Snow - Animal
Northern State - Better Already
The Pack A.D. - Crazy
Phoenix - If I Ever Feel Better
Plushgun - Just Impolite
Shiny Toy Guns - Ghost Town
The Weepies - Hideaway
Chew Lips - Seven
A Weather - Third of Life

I welcome suggestions. Unless you're a hipster of course. I know it is against your code to tell people about the music you like. After all, that artist made it just for your undernourished ears.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Atomic Real L Word

Everyone hated The Real L Word. Big effin surprise. You haven’t seen it? Here ya go…
I don’t understand why people thought this show would be different from other reality shows. If you hate reality shows, you’re going to hate The Real L Word. And guess what, you’re still gonna watch it. Because people love talking about shit they hate more than they like talking about shit they love. It’s easier.

Have you ever been in section and you didn’t do the reading but the TA calls on you. Do you panic? You do if you’re a rookie. What does a seasoned vet do? Say they hated that ish! It could be the bestselling book of all time ever in the history of the world that Ghandi wrote and my momma edited. If I didn’t read that ish, I just wan’t feeling it. It’s easier to say you don’t like something and that’s what people are doing with The Real L Word. Of course it’s filled with drama. Of course a couple of the characters are douche baskets. Of course someone probably has an eating disorder. Even though it’s about lesbians, it’s still about a group of hand-picked prototypes that are filmed to titillate, amuse, and make you realize why everyone hates America.

The whole thought process behind the show is to validate these characters Ilene Chaiken created on The L Word. What Ilene doesn’t realize is WE DON’T CARE. As vain as the people picked for this show are, we’re even vainer because we just want to watch people pretty damn close to ourselves on TV and then think “I could be on this show.” This doesn’t apply to just mobots. The average person watching the show is not going to be shuffling hook-ups in and out of town or hosting fashion week or capitalizing on post-Oprah hype.

People are so diverse and different that no one is ever going to assemble the perfect cast (except maybe me). Since this is true, what we want are people we can relate to in some way, shape, or form. And as much as you don’t want to admit it, I think you may see yourself or someone you know in these people. Sure these women might be trapped under inexplicable dreads. These women might be trying to wife baby mommas when everyone I know is trying to avoid theirs. These women might be picking up someone who may or may not be Veronica from Road Rules.

 

They’re still people. You can’t get mad at them for the choices they make because they’re lesbians on TV. It’s not their fault that there aren’t more representations of queer women on TV and it isn’t their responsibility to try to represent everyone. The only thing they are responsible for is making a fool of themselves for my entertainment.

I’m just saying, if you expect a realistic representation of queermos, why expect if from a channel whose characters include a drug dealing mother, a serial killer, and a pill-popping nurse. If you’re looking at Showtime for a look in the mirror, you have some personal problems you should attend to.


Then the complaints about parts being scripted…by now everyone should know that the only way you’re going to get people to be themselves in front of a camera is to hide the frickin cameras. I think that might be illegal but it would be effin worth it.

Just don’t do it to me.

Imagine the prospect of someone seeing everything you do at every moment of every day and tell me you would act natural. You couldn’t. Shit we do is embarrassing. Just go through the rest of the day and think about if someone was watching every move you make. You wouldn’t want people to see because you’re fuckin crazy, right? We all are. So don’t be mad when people try to tone down the crazy for TV. They’re toning it down and look how much still gets through! Let us rejoice and revel in humanity. Let us enjoy The Real L Word for what it is: typical reality TV. Without this show, there would be less lezzies on TV. And if these lezzies don’t spike your interest, don’t watch it.

Black people don't canoe

The boo piece is mixed. And a lot of time people mixed with black and white just end up acting either black or white (and if you try to say something to me about there’s no such thing as acting black or white, I hope you choke on your liberal tongue). I swear she is split 50/50. She does all the stupid shit white people do but does it with the swagger of a black person. It’s the craziest shit I’ve ever seen. For example, she wanted to go skydiving. She’s wanted to for a long time.

She got super excited and asked me did I wanna go. Of course I said no. I’d rather not possibly leap to my death. Thanks for wanting to include me in your death wish though. I find that’s a good way to know if a white person really likes you. They invite you to do something stupid as shit with them.

White person: Hey, you wanna go get chased by bulls with me?

Me: You know, I think I’m gonna pass but I’m honored that you would invite me to suicidal mission #27.

Anyway, she goes skydiving. And now when you go skydiving, it’s not like you have to remember when you almost shit your pants. They take pictures of it for you. So right about the point that 100% white people start freaking out is when the black half comes out and she gets all gangsta. She’s throwin up peace signs and mean mugging the camera. If she was on the plane for another minute, I think she woulda pulled a fitted cap from out her sleeve and said “thug life.”

Why are white people always surprised when black people don’t wanna do the crazy shit they do? Do I want to go sky diving? No! You're jumping out a plane and I gotta explain my reasoning? You know why they always kill the black people in scary movies first? They have to! Or else we would offer actual logical information and then there wouldn’t be a movie because everyone would escape safe and sound.

I went camping the other day and some of the people on the trip wanted to go canoeing. They asked me if I wanted to go. Uh, pass. That’s like combining the top 3 things black people don’t want shit to do with. Water, boats, and danger. You remember how things turned out the last time those 3 things were combined?

Then they always wanna know why. Cuz I’m black. That’s reason enough. I think the best part of the camping situation is when I left (and by left I mean I went into the tent that is thinner than a sheet of paper and five feet away) they started talking about it! Like, "Yeah, you know a lot of black people can’t swim." I CAN HEAR YOU. Not that I’m offended. Just that I wanted the chance to rant at you about WHY a lot of black people can’t swim. Oh, that white guilt woulda been delicious over an open fire.

Back to the g-fry. Another time these dueling personalities come out is during the evenings when we’re thinking of things to do. One night she’s all, “Let’s go to an open mic night at a coffee shop and listen to slam poetry. I’ll bring my Conga and African jewelry. We can drink fair trade coffee and snap ‘til our thumbs bleed.”

Then the very next night she’s like, “Let’s watch NCIS.”

Wait.

So you went from dashiki to depressed housewife in 24 hours? You want some warm milk, too, grandma? 

NCIS? I’m like what the hell are you gonna watch when you’re actually old? You’re not gonna have any shitty TV to look forward to! If I walk in on her watching The Price is Right, I’m leaving.