All the students at William McKinley decide to get drunk for this one week. At the same time everyone at the high school was like let's get schwasted. I don't think that happens. But then again, who would have believed that teenage girls make pregnancy pacts.
We're on to the teacher's lounge or wherever teachers go to eat while silently brooding. Will and Emma talk about how Will isn't getting laid and I wonder how inconsistent this whole Emma is terrified of germs story line is because she has a bunch of fruit in front of her but hasn't done anything spazzy. Then Sue comes to remind the audience that she is now coaching a rival Glee club even though we all already know that because I don't think Glee gets too many rando watchers. It's just high schoolers, lesbians waiting for Brittany and Santana to get together, and gay guys because Blaine sings every episode. We see Sue push the coach of Aural Intensity down the stairs and because everyone in the Gleeniverse is an idiot, he waits around for Sue to push him again. Which is fine with me because I thought it was hilarious.
Puck calls Rachel a JAP which I guess is supposed to be okay because he's Jewish and it's Glee and Glee can do whatever the fuck it wants and we just laugh because we'll suffer through anything to see what happens later on in this episode (coughbodyshotcough) because we are sad human beings with no souls or morals and a penchant for TV with no plot and perpetually undeveloped characters.
Puck says he knows thet Rachel's parents aren't going to be home even though she hasn't told anyone and I'm like OMG is this gonna be the rape episode? But then I realize that I haven't been watching Criminal Minds lately so I forgot that you only get raped by psychopathic strangers and they kill you afterward so there's no need to have an episode that deals with the dangers of that or anything.
Then just in time piano dude walks in. Oh yeah, and Finn's there too wearing jeans and a toddler's pajama shirt.
Rachel is all on his nuts by not being on his nuts and is talking about some people no one has ever heard of. Finn doesn't know who they are either but I don't think he would know who the president is. Rachel sings a God awful song that I wasn't initially against because after the first half of the song I thought it was about her vibrator and I was like yessss, it's the masturbation episode. Then she starts talking about pony tails or something and we find out it's about her headband. They both agree the song sucks, Rachel thinks she needs to get drunky face to have the worldly knowledge needed to write a good song, and Finn says something creepy about not getting past second base because Rachel has never take a ride on the tipsy train. Point is, there's gonna be some teenage debauch at Rachel's house in the form of a party.
I don't know what the stylist of Glee has with fur collars but Puck and Santana both have a baby lamb situation going around their necks.
Onto Rachel's basement. Rachel says, "Hey, girlfriend" to Quinn which was awesome. Rachel had quite a few good lines this episode. She should be drunk every episode. Santana and Sam are making out so I did some foreshadowing of my own and puked. Brittany is sitting on the washing machine wearing a tie. There are so many places that could have gone but didn't. The party is boring so people wanna leave. Everyone's dissing the wine coolers (even though Puck brought them at Santana's request) and Celebrity which is a big no no 'cuz Celebrity is the shizz. Then this happens and I go all Taylor Swift because I act surprised but really, I'm not :
There's a shot of Kurt dancing which was a bad as you imagined after seeing him struggle along during The Warblers performances. J-Kwon gets out of jail and everybody's tipsy. Finn doesn't know you can't get a girl pregnant by jizzing in a hot tub but he knows all the different kind of drunks girls can be. He doesn't talk about what kinda drunks the guys are. I guess the good kind.
They play spin the bottle. Brittany and Sam kiss. Santana says "no me gusta" so I guess she can speak Spanish or she's been paying attention in Mr. Schue's class but probably neither. Blaine and Rachel "kiss." It's really terrible looking and I don't know if their lips actually touched as much as Rachel's lips and the corner of his mouth/beginnings of his cheeks/top of his chin saw a lot of action. Then they sing a song because that's what you do after you make out with someone. There's a lot of jumping. Rachel's green frock has a lot of bounce. Some people sing along including Mercedes. She's the only black teenager in the country that knows this song unless people remember this Chips Ahoy commercial.
It's the next morning and someone needs to clean the shit out of the wall in Kurt's house.
Now we're in the hall and there are two Asian characters. No other show in the history of the world has had two Asian characters. It just doesn't happen. It is Glee's duty to make stereotypical Asian jokes because when you have Asians on your show you have that chance. You can't just let it pass. So Mike Chang talks about drinking some some Panda hair tea and I breathe a sigh of relief. Cue Artie rolling down the hallway singing Blame It on the Alcohol. I have to admit, of all the hallway singing, I enjoy Artie's the most. Cut to New Directions on stage in club-like attire except for Quinn who looks like she's going to the funeral of the bird she killed to make her necklace.
Will and Coach Beiste go to a country bar. There are lots of blondes, cowboy hats, and guitars. I don't know why Lima, Ohio has a bar such as this one. I guess the KKK has to meet somewhere. They sing another song I've never heard. What's she doing there?
The grown-ups get back from the bar. Will has his best scene ever when he gives everyone A pluses, says he doesn't even know who a student is, and drunk dials someone. I wonder who it is? Oh, wait. I already know it's gonna be Sue even though he thinks it's Emma. I wonder what she's gonna do with the message? Oh, I already know that too.
Lil' B taught Kurt's dad, Burt, a little something so he's in the kitchen cooking (whoop). Kurt's all Blaine and Rachel have been singing duets and his dad's all but didn't you and Blaine "sing a duet" the other night. And Kurt's like no. WTF, mate. I haven't gotten any ass. Thanks for reminding me. Then Burt is like I don't know what you homos do. I took Sex Ed with Finn and you might be pregnant like Arnold Swarchenegger in Junior. And Kurt is like haven't you ever heard the term, "butt pirates?" You're a grown ass man. Figure it out and then lemme know because I won't be asking about snatch anytime soon.
New Directions performs Tik Tok and I have to say it sounds weird when it's not autotuned to death. Brittany dances a lot and that's always dopeness. Abed's dad as Principal Figgins dances during the performance; it's a special moment. Brittany throws up on Rachel. It looks nothing like vomit. It looks like gray paint. If your throw up ever looks like this, go to the emergency room immediately. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars.
Figgins thought the Glee kids throwing up on stage was part of the performance, Blaine is gay, Rachel is gonna write another song after being dumped by a guy who turned out to be gay, blah blah. I just want to see Episode 15. I've waited my whole life for Episode 15. If it lets me down, I'm gonna drink so much I'll be vomming gray shit and drunk dialing Mr. Schue.
Also, a good anti-drinking song is Kimya Dawson's The Beer in case you're an alcoholic because Glee didn't make anyone aware of anything they didn't know unless you didn't know that show has zero continuity.
I made a funny Glee related tumblr. You're probably not cool enough to get the joke. But just in case, here.