I thought we were on to something

C: my uncle is watching cops

  lol

 B: hahahaha

  that still comes on?

 C: hell yeah on fox

 B: we'll lets just create the new Cops

  brainstorm, on

  talk about staying power

 C: haha what do you mean new cops?

 B: like a show as easy to shoot and as ignorant that people will watch forever

 C: Toads

 B: hahahahaha

  and ruin hundreds of Yalies' futures?

  I would feel guilty

  does Harvard have a Toad's equivalent?

  of course not

 C: no, Boston sucks

To jackass or not to jackass?

Not too long ago there was a thirty minute period of time in which I was getting.shit.done.

Thanks for your assistance

Mainly this included encouraging debaucherous behavior, something I am prone to do every now and again. In the midst of said encouraging, I was asked, "What should I do?" about a girl situation by the person whose life I was debaucherizing. Rather than offering helpful advice, I decided to be my usual gruff self and said, "Don't you have game?" I thought I'd already done the hard part by bringing the interested parties together. All they had to do was close, right?

Then I thought back to advice I'd been given recently. It ran the gamut from playing it cool to learning the art of hitting it and quitting it.

As snarky as I may be, I try to preach the importance of not being an asshole when pursuing or being pursued. Clearly I'm not perfect...I have my moments but overall when it comes to these things, I'm not a jerk. I think.

The thing about being an asshole to someone pursuing you is they have a mouth. A lot of people forget that humans do this thing called communicating. Especially when it can make someone look bad? That's the best kind of communication there is. When you're an ass to someone, they sometimes feel the need to exaggerate the situation to make you look even worse. Sometimes you can wiggle your way out of the nonsense by exposing one of their lies because if one thing doesn't fit, they lose credibility.

Little did I know, that while I'm out trying to be asshole free like a jellyfish, there are people whose whole game is being assholes. And it works. Imagine my surprise.

The thing about people who like jackasses is they don't realize that's their MO. Let me help.
Are you constantly emotionally unavailable? Do you only have bad break-ups? Do your friends hate all of your significant others?
If so, this is probably you. Stop it. If you find that you like someone who only likes jackasses and you're not a jackass, Lord help you. It's hard to fake being a jackass. You can try drinking Vodka Redbulls, withholding compliments, and never retaining information pertinent to people's lives or interests but sooner or later you're going to slip up.

Things not to do:
Ask, "How are you?" and mean it.
Say, "You look nice/pretty/anything that is not an insult."
Know their last name.
Attempt to spend time with a person unless it is a direct lead up to sexy time activities.

I could go on but you get the point. Pretty much anything that acknowledges that they add any positivity to the world other than being your possible sex partner will  out you as a non-jackass. This will seem out of sorts and therefore make you a weirdo in their eyes. I wish I had a solution but I don't. Oh well.

The time I stayed up all night because my friend's roommate is a word slightly nicer than cunt

Hey remember a couple weeks ago when I was like I'm def. gonna update this more and then I did like two posts and that was the end of that. My bad. Not gonna promise any such thing this time. But I will say that trips to the East Coast do give me a little ammo. I got a fair amount of shit for not writing anything funny in a while. I assure you I am no less hilarious. It's kind of unfortunate. I blame it on my lack of anything resembling a life on the West Coast. I briefly considered changing the heading of the blog to "B is depressing" but I thought that might be a little much.

You know what wouldn't be a little much? Karate chopping my friend's roommate in the throat. At just around 3:30am Get Low started blasting from their room. Let me tell you. I was all kinds of confused because number 1, Get Low. Really? Initially I thought it to be a cell phone ringer. But the song just kept going and in my half awake state I was like damn this is a long fucking ringer. Then the song ended. And voices came on. And another song played. And I realized.

It was the fucking radio.

You guys. This girl has the radio come on at 3:30am and just lets it play. It's been almost an hour. I have not heard a shift in that room. Not only am I a heavy sleeper, I can go to sleep in about half of a second. How the fuck has no one reacted. How the hell has my friend, this girl's roommate, not gotten up and ripped the radio out the wall. I'm about two seconds from doing it myself except that I may want to crash here again at some point in the near future.

I've gotten into some situations - I've had some strange stuff happen to me. And somehow I've kept my black ass out of jail. If this girl were my roommate, there's no way. I would stuff that radio down her esophagus the first time she pulled that shit. I've been thinking about what I would say to this mystery girl if she popped into the common room to say something like, "the glow from your computer screen is distracting." Or "your typing is really keeping me up." Because I imagine that this girl has to be so out of touch with reality these are the kind of things she does. I haven't seen her yet but I imagine she looks something like this.

There was another girl in the suite who was pretty awesome. My friend made her read this post out loud. She forever has my respect. So that brings the total of people in this suite I like up to two. And NO ONE has said anything to her? No one has cursed her out? How about a passive aggressive note? I really can't believe this. Earlier today someone was saying how nice the group of Yalies they hang out with is. There are plenty of Yalies that do not fall in the nice category. I'm wondering how this terrible terrible sack of shit human being managed to live with three nice students who let this non-sense continue. They should slap her with a hipster.

OH MY GOD IT JUST ENDED. THE MUSIC JUST WENT OFF. SHE TOTALLY FELT MY FUCKING EVIL VIBES REVERBERATING THROUGH THIS COMMON ROOM. I WIN.

I'm fairly surprised the music played at 4am is similar to what's played at any other time. I kinda hoped they would just play infomercials made just for the radio. Maybe have people using the Shake Weight and narrating the workout? Or they could just play porn and make people listening imagine what was happening. Just some ideas.

The music just came back on. Who is this devil. Who lets her breathe.