Best future birthday party e-ver

Today I saw Tegan and Sara at Streetlight Records. For free. It was pretty awesome. And it got me wondering.


WHAT IF THEY WERE MY FRIENDS

Oh, the possibilities. Truth is I'm much sweeter than that Yalie Kanye is toting around. So why not me? It's not that my current friends aren't cool. They are. But come on. Tegan and Sara? They sport mullets and awkward bowl cuts and they STILL rock my socks off. That's no easy feat.

I know what you're thinking...B, they're older than you, they're famous, they're Canadian. I can see past a slight age difference and an unfortunate nationality.


Therefore, I have developed a plan. Years in the making (starting now). To one day have enough money to go to a concert. No, not just any concert. A concert for me. Well, not only for me. You all can come, too. The plan is I would pay awesome musicians that also seem like awesome people (in this case Tegan and Sara) to come perform at some function I pay for. Like my birthday party or something. Ummm...Oh my fucking Bieber...best birthday party ever.


Can't you see it? A grassy knoll, people walking the thin line between fashionable/cool and hipster/douche, finger foods passed off as hors d'oeuvres. It's gonna be amazeballs. Go ahead and RSVP now. Of course they'll want to meet the person who
a.) put on such a classy event and
b.) is paying them


Once they talk to me they'll shake their heads
a.) in gratitude because my foresight brought us together and
b.) because I am the bomb.com


Then we shall become great friends (mostly because I use the word shall fairly often) and soon they'll forget that I actually paid them to come perform at my party and thus kindasortamaybe paid them to be my friends. Which is fine. 'Cuz when does that not work? Ameyerite?


See you at the party.

Facebook for singles

Facebook break ups. 'Sigh.' We've all been there.

No? Everyone hasn't been there? Oh, are you too good to put your relationship on facebook? Too mature?

The point is that facebook break ups are hilarious. Every time. I seriously cannot think of a time when watching a facebook break up go down has not been hilarious. The only situation it might not be hilarious in is if your parents divorce each other on facebook before telling you. I guess that would be bad. But my parents are already divorced so I'm good to go. Yayyy divorce.

The worst part about a facebook break up is, unlike witnessing it in real life, you don't know what happened. Which is fine. Because then you get to weave unlikely stories based on people's walls. Or you get to jump to conclusions that would otherwise be far-fetched.

So what do you when you see the awkward inbetween step? When it goes from 'in a relationship' to nothing listed. Are they fighting? Did they break up? Are you some creeper who thinks you're better friends than you are and now your access to their profile is limited? WHO KNOWS?!?

You gotta wait it out. Could be a day. Could be a week. Could be a month. But when single goes up...OMG. Life just got awesome. Now you get to watch everyone who you suspected was an asshole show just how much of an asshole they are.
Because only assholes comment on someone's relationship status.

When single finally goes up why are the most ignorant people in the world always on at that exact moment? First, someone who seems innocent comments. This is usually someone who will one day live alone in a home too big for one person in a neighborhood of families so they can spy on the people next door. Nosey as shit some would call this person. Innocently enough, they ask, "What happened?"

Then someone else leaves a note along the lines of "good for you." Something passive aggressive that lets you know they clearly did not like the significant other even though they pretended to for a while.

Sidenote: passive aggressive notes are awesome.

Then someone hits on the person whose profile it is because when you put single up on facebook, it's not just to piss off your ex. It's to...to...No, I'm pretty sure it's just to piss off your ex.

You don't have to like it but I do

Mikey likes it!

 A certain person asked me if I was turning into a hipster the other day (It's ok, I didn't slap her). But then a bunch of gay guys told me how attractive I am and that I have great skin. The universe evened that day out nicely.

Look at what I did. I embedded a playlist. Aaaaaaaand I made it actually fit on the page. That's right. I took the extra two seconds to change the width parameters in the code. That's how much I like you. Here's the link so you don't have to listen to it all here. But you totally can. Cuz look what I did. Artists and songs below.



The Five One - Mandatory
Tegan and Sara - Northshore
Childish Gambino - Bitch, look at me now
The Weepies - Be my thrill
Drake - Paris Morton music
The Temper Trap - Fader
Kid Cudi - Wylin' Cuz I'm Young
The Ettes - No Home
Hot Hot Heat - Goddess on the Prairie
Uffie - Pop the Glock
Cut Copy - Where I'm Going
Japanese Cartoon - Gasp
Wale - The War