Don't drop the soap

In case you didn't know (because why should you?) Lindsay Lohan is going to prison for 90 days...or 23...or none. Read the linked story. Go ahead. I'll wait.

What the f, RIGHT?!?

How about instead of hoping evil lesbians get their hands on Lindsay Lohan you report on the actual NEWS like the condition of the prisons or the fact that this one, like pretty much all of them, is overcrowded. 

1. The title is bullshit
2. Lindsay Lohan probably has a bed bigger than a double. I would.
3. The percentage of black women in that jail will probably be around 50%. How many of them do you think know who Lindsay Lohan is? Guessing no one's favorite movie is Parent Trap. In fact, I'm guessing none of them have seen it. Because if they saw it then they had Disney Channel. And we all know Disney Channel is the number one preventative measure for a life of crime and deviance. Number 2 is being white.
4. Guess everybody in jail is a lesbian. Just funny that they would demonize lesbians like that. I'm just saying I've never seen a news story about gay gangs waiting to get their hands on T.I. He's a good looking guy. I think he should be offended that nobody wrote a news story about his inevitable rape.

Gay Guy Gangs Ready to Lick Lil Wayne's Lollipop. Where's that headline?

LeBron leaves Cleveland

NBA players can be accused of rape, adultery, and all sorts of abuse but LeBron signs with a different team and people are crying and burning jerseys? Priorities? Anyone?

Ignore everything else surrounding this debacle and focus on this. People are mad at LeBron for leaving Ohio. OHIO? He's rich as shit! You can't even properly ball out in Ohio.

This is how conversations used to go:

Ay Bron? What you get your kid for his birthday?

Oh, I bought him a wind farm.

Hey LeBron? What you gonna spend all that Nike money on?

Actually I'm saving up so that I can move the whole state of Ohio somewhere else.

Ohio? Think of all the ballin' ass places he had to choose from.

Chicago...he could buy the Sears tower, live in the best city ever, and possibly get shot.
Miami...he could pour champagne on retirees, double date with Dwayne Wade, and watch oil wash up on the beaches.
Clippers...he could buy some fans. Or the Real L Word franchise. Maybe then their promos would use puppets instead of glowing vadges.

Think of all of the NBA players that have cracked under the pressure of fame...or just cracked...or just smoke crack. This is the worst thing he's done? Had a TV special that benefited charities? Really? Kobe can speak 4 different languages and he still didn't understand what the word no meant. LeBron has had a career with a relatively small amount of controversy. Leave that man alone.*

*I reserve the right to retract this statement at any given time for any reason I see fit.

Eff Purses

Zomg. Fanny pack alert!

Why am I so late to find out that Rihanna has been spotted rockin’ a fanny. Does this confirm all of the rumors that she is in fact te amoing her BiFFle? As we all know, lesbians love their fanny packs. Right?

Wrong! Who the hell likes fanny packs? Lesbians in Minneapolis, that’s who. But just for funzies let’s pretend that any lady loving lady under the age of 50 would wear a fanny pack non-ironically. Does this lend credence to the Rihanna argument? Or is this just one of those things that hip hop/R&B artists and lesbians have in common. What else you ask?

Wife Beaters

Boots

Leather Jackets

Tuxedos

Hmm...that last one might be a bad example if you get my drift.