A few months ago I realized something dreadful. Something awful. Something no one should ever have to admit to themselves.
I was in love with my best friend in high school.
Duhn duhn duhnnn
*lightning*
*dramatic sigh*
*someone reading has a heart attack* (not you)
I think my AAU coach knew. My best friend might have known. Jesus definitely knew.
I, on the other hand, had no frickin clue. Except that part where I kinda knew the whole time but don't tell me that.
I could have really used Riley from The Boondocks.
Explain to me why you care about everything she does again?
The weird thing about non-straight ladies is that who the rest of the world might think was your first love might not have been. There very well could have been one or even two before them.
My soph. year in HS me and the bestie up for discussion both had unlimited text messaging and it resulted in the demise of my thumb cartilage and interpersonal skills. We didn't go to the same school so hundreds of texts were exchanged a day. She was the first person I talked to in the morning and the last person I talked to at night. Didn't matter if there were boys in the mix. Didn't matter if we had tests. Didn't matter if there was a fucking velociraptor leering over me threatening to bite my head off if I sent one more text. I would have been like, "Mr. Velo C. Raptor, I have to send this text message or she'll wonder what's become of me! The other person always gets mad if we fall asleep without saying good night!"
Lest we forget that texting didn't exist a few years ago. Just stop and imagine how old that's gonna make you feel someday. When that happens, don't kill yourself! That's my good deed for the year. I accept the thanks of future you. You're welcome.
Every now and then I have some delirious sleep-deprived urge to call and drop this gem into casual conversation. "Hey, remember in high school when I was in love with you? HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was fun!" Then I would hang up, silently sob for 45 seconds, call back and go, "I can't believe the call just dropped like that. That was SO WEIRD. How's life?"
That wouldn't do it though. We all know we want some sense of closure. But then in our stupid brains being pumped with gay juice this happens...
Or maybe she'll admit she was a little into you because after all you talked on the phone everyday and you didn't talk to anyone on the phone everyday that must have meant you were special and not just normal best friends'cuz she was really close to someone else and they didn't do that plus all the times you would cuddle and you never started it because you didn't want her to think you were making a move because clearly straight female teenagers always suspect the other of being gay or you just always thought that because you were gay but she was totally into you a little bit no you created all of those signals in your headand you are an adult and maybe you would have learned by now that subtext is just a thing lesbians invented except that she really did like youand she's a coward and what the hellthat shit could of worked out and who cares right
ImeanwhocaresIdon'tcareshemissedout
WHATEVER
..and you decide that maybe not knowing really is best. No one wants to suffer a nervous breakdown because of some straight up unrequited love.
Now when straight people tell me they like someone but don't want to go for it, I feel no sympathy. I just look at them and go what is holding you back? There is no repressed homosexuality in sight! Stop pulling that Taylor Swift, "I have on glasses and my hair is in a ponytail so no one likes me" bullshit and OVARY UP.
Has anyone ever told the best friend they fell in love with the truth?
*Word to Tweak for making this post possible and Wego Balls who saw it in motion.
We could give a whole new meaning to flying high. Could you imagine how much ass a black pilot could get? Imagine if the All State Guy's voice came over the system. His sex life would be like his flights. Non-stop
Edward Bouchet
Physicist
Does anyone know what actual physicists do? No. They're the producers of the science world.
I think another minority already has this on lock sooo...
Pretty much anytime there's a black national group of some profession, it means we're lacking numbers. You might have heard of the National Society of Black Engineers but have you heard of the National Society of Black Athletes? African-American Postal Workers of America? The United Front of Negro Hairdressers? Didn't think so. Black people. Go forth, get these jobs, and be pretentious!
A while ago I realized I only want a kid so I can name it. Some people say I should just get a pet.
There are plenty of reasons to not smuggle a human into this world via a vagina. For one, I have plenty of brothers and sisters. Somehow my sisters have managed not to be on 16 and pregnant but I figure eventually someone will have a little accident of their own. Then I can just play with their kid whenever I want. Another option is adoption. Wow, it even has the word option in it. Maybe they should call abortion aboption so it could have the word option in it, too.
I think adoption is a good idea because I would be able to do stuff to those kids that I wouldn't to a kid I pushed out...like send them to a private high school. I wouldn't do that to my own children because in my mind, it sucks. Adopted kids would just be grateful for the opportunity.
Right now, I can't afford any of these options. I would settle for going to a hospital and suggesting names for other people's babies but I can't even pay for the cab to get there.
Making a best of 2010 playlist would be difficult and I think I would be judged. Instead I'm gonna make a short list of things people need to stop sleeping on IN LIFE.
Childish Gambino
You don't get tired of his music. You just don't. The realness of Cudi, enough indie beats to shake your fist at, and outright hilarious punchlines. Listen to Culdesac. In a weird way it's motivating. In a not so weird way it's simply fantastic.
30 Rock
This show just doesn't have the viewers to keep it on air for as long as it should be...which is FOREVER. I know that saying this makes me the typical liberal-educated-fancyshmance viewer this show is known for but seriously. If you don't like 30 Rock, it's probably because you're not smart enough. There I said it. Whooo. Glad I got that off my chest.
Non-American TV
I know, I know. I thought everyone in the world just watched our TV dubbed in whatever language. Surprise! They don't. I'm willing to bet if you looked into shows from other English speaking countries, you would find something you really really like.
Barack Obama
Payafuckingttention. We all expected him to be perfect and cleary he's not. But look at the way he's failed compared to how other people have. He's making moves we haven't seen since The Great Society. I think we can all think of people who are just TOO conservative. Where are the people that are TOO liberal? There's your new life goal.
All the problems with Glee
I LOVE GLEE. But for realzies that shit be mad sexist, slightly racist, and just an overall disappointment at times. Which kinda doesn't work when you're trying to teach America all these lessons. In some instances, it completely shifts the blame and avoids the underlying issues to the phenomenons it attempts to confront. But what do you expect. It's from the guy that wrote Nip/Tuck. Not the deepest person on the planet.
Dino Nugget Quesadillas
If you STILL have not listened to me and made a quesadilla with chicken nuggets and Mexican cheese, kill yourself.
I jotted this down a while ago and lemme tell you. I'm about to solve so many relationship problems. Whenever you are fighting all parties (One time I was watching Taxi Cab Confessionals and there were 3 people all in a relationship with each other so that stuff happens) need to stop for two seconds and ask yourself one question.
Am I making any damn sense?
If the answer is no, reevaluate your approach to the situation. You can even do a simple test:
Relate the fight to someone else and if you catch yourself "slightly" changing details to make your side come off in a better light, you probably ain't making no damn sense and you should go apologize.
Why do 20 somethings have couches? As far as I'm concerned unless you are planning on buying your place or staying for a long time, you should have a futon. When you have a couch, you are just one step away from having a couch covered in plastic.
Having a couch makes it seem like you care what other people think about where you live. And we're way too young for that shit. I guess I just never cared about appearing to have money or my shit together. Probably because I've never had money or my shit together. Decorating interiorly with the intent to impress is not of my concern as they don't have to look at it every day. If you like it, then forget everyone else.
This one time I went to Germany. I learned a few things. Not all are listed below. But these are important.
1. There are lots of different sausages 2. To some people, beer is water 3. Racist remarks are funnier when said with an accent 4. If you're black, you can convince someone you're a celebrity. Even if you don't favor them at all. 5. Always do what the little white man says
That last one turns out to be invaluable advice. It all started when I didn't realize the fuckin' Autobahn was between a McDonald's and an H&M.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT. But you wouldn't know that if you saw this street. It was what looked to be a highway then some sort of tram rails then another highway. There they consider this a normal intersection. Basically, if you didn't walk when this little guy was up...
...you were fucked. I made a mental note. Always listen to the little white man or you will get hit by a car.
So when my brother complained to me about his teacher telling him he had to come in early the next day because he believed he'd cheated on a test, I had only one question.
Is your teacher a little white man?
He said yes. I told him he had to go in and retake the test. My brother was outraged. He reminded me of how I'd witnessed him studying the last few days. He said it was only natural that he did well. I implored him to go in early and retake the test. After all, his teacher was a little white man and as all Germans know, if you don't listen to him, you will get hit by a car.
The next morning I woke up early to see if he would heed my advice. He didn't. He got up at the same usual time and walked to school. And you will never guess what happened on his walk to school that day.
THAT MOFO GOT HIT BY A CAR.
I leaned out the window and said, "I told you." Then I drove away.
College students are terrible. No, they really are the worst people. Think about the things you did in college. Sure you learned some shit (that you forgot 3 months later), you discovered yourself (and realized that 'yourself' is an asshole), and you took chances (that people who weren't drunk 3 days out of the week would never take). Now think about all the fucked up things you've done. If anyone in the real world did those things, you wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole. They would be widely viewed as a despicable human being.
Dear college student,
You are a despicable human being.
That's why my kids aren't going to college.
I don't care if they have straight A's...actually I would care. I would be extremely concerned. To you having straight A's is an accomplishment. To me, it's a cry for help.
No college for the kids. I will look them in their faces and tear up the acceptance letter to their dream schools and even their safety school, Harvard. They won't understand at first. But I will yell, "I'm doing this for you! I'm protecting your future!"
Today I saw Tegan and Sara at Streetlight Records. For free. It was pretty awesome. And it got me wondering.
WHAT IF THEY WERE MY FRIENDS
Oh, the possibilities. Truth is I'm much sweeter than that Yalie Kanye is toting around. So why not me? It's not that my current friends aren't cool. They are. But come on. Tegan and Sara? They sport mullets and awkward bowl cuts and they STILL rock my socks off. That's no easy feat.
I know what you're thinking...B, they're older than you, they're famous, they're Canadian. I can see past a slight age difference and an unfortunate nationality.
Therefore, I have developed a plan. Years in the making (starting now). To one day have enough money to go to a concert. No, not just any concert. A concert for me. Well, not only for me. You all can come, too. The plan is I would pay awesome musicians that also seem like awesome people (in this case Tegan and Sara) to come perform at some function I pay for. Like my birthday party or something. Ummm...Oh my fucking Bieber...best birthday party ever.
Can't you see it? A grassy knoll, people walking the thin line between fashionable/cool and hipster/douche, finger foods passed off as hors d'oeuvres. It's gonna be amazeballs. Go ahead and RSVP now. Of course they'll want to meet the person who a.) put on such a classy event and b.) is paying them
Once they talk to me they'll shake their heads a.) in gratitude because my foresight brought us together and b.) because I am the bomb.com
Then we shall become great friends (mostly because I use the word shall fairly often) and soon they'll forget that I actually paid them to come perform at my party and thus kindasortamaybe paid them to be my friends. Which is fine. 'Cuz when does that not work? Ameyerite?
No? Everyone hasn't been there? Oh, are you too good to put your relationship on facebook? Too mature?
The point is that facebook break ups are hilarious. Every time. I seriously cannot think of a time when watching a facebook break up go down has not been hilarious. The only situation it might not be hilarious in is if your parents divorce each other on facebook before telling you. I guess that would be bad. But my parents are already divorced so I'm good to go. Yayyy divorce.
The worst part about a facebook break up is, unlike witnessing it in real life, you don't know what happened. Which is fine. Because then you get to weave unlikely stories based on people's walls. Or you get to jump to conclusions that would otherwise be far-fetched.
So what do you when you see the awkward inbetween step? When it goes from 'in a relationship' to nothing listed. Are they fighting? Did they break up? Are you some creeper who thinks you're better friends than you are and now your access to their profile is limited? WHO KNOWS?!?
You gotta wait it out. Could be a day. Could be a week. Could be a month. But when single goes up...OMG. Life just got awesome. Now you get to watch everyone who you suspected was an asshole show just how much of an asshole they are. Because only assholes comment on someone's relationship status.
When single finally goes up why are the most ignorant people in the world always on at that exact moment? First, someone who seems innocent comments. This is usually someone who will one day live alone in a home too big for one person in a neighborhood of families so they can spy on the people next door. Nosey as shit some would call this person. Innocently enough, they ask, "What happened?"
Then someone else leaves a note along the lines of "good for you." Something passive aggressive that lets you know they clearly did not like the significant other even though they pretended to for a while.
Sidenote: passive aggressive notes are awesome.
Then someone hits on the person whose profile it is because when you put single up on facebook, it's not just to piss off your ex. It's to...to...No, I'm pretty sure it's just to piss off your ex.
A certain person asked me if I was turning into a hipster the other day (It's ok, I didn't slap her). But then a bunch of gay guys told me how attractive I am and that I have great skin. The universe evened that day out nicely.
Look at what I did. I embedded a playlist. Aaaaaaaand I made it actually fit on the page. That's right. I took the extra two seconds to change the width parameters in the code. That's how much I like you. Here's the link so you don't have to listen to it all here. But you totally can. Cuz look what I did. Artists and songs below.
The Five One - Mandatory
Tegan and Sara - Northshore
Childish Gambino - Bitch, look at me now
The Weepies - Be my thrill
Drake - Paris Morton music
The Temper Trap - Fader
Kid Cudi - Wylin' Cuz I'm Young
The Ettes - No Home
Hot Hot Heat - Goddess on the Prairie
Uffie - Pop the Glock
Cut Copy - Where I'm Going
Japanese Cartoon - Gasp
Wale - The War
Recently, an Effing Dykes post sparked a conversation amongst people I would nod at.
The post posits that only dykes do this nod. It also states that it is a way of identifying or disclosing les-be-honest status to a strange diver (that's a lez you don't know). Though I fully respect the notion of the dyke nod, we all know it is not strictly a lesbian thing.
In fact, it is first and foremost a black thing. Think about black people...we have money to spend, moves to make, appointments to be late for.
We can't just talk to everybody. Every black person thinks they're important. It's what you do when you are widely viewed as a second class citizen. When there's no time to talk, we nod and keep it moving.
The difference lies here...lezzies nod at people they know AND strange divers. Black people nod at people they know. That's it. You will never catch a black person nodding at another black person just cuz they're black. Even if we're the only two in the room. We might give a 'damn these white people are crazy look' but both parties would be nodless. We don't nod because it could easily end up like this.
When I'm one of a small amount of black people somewhere, I'm not going..."hey good to see you." I'm going, "Wait. What the fuck are you doing here?" As alienating as being the only black person somewhere is, it kinda makes you feel special every now and then. I mean, I am doing all the white people here a huge favor. I'm bringing some diversity to the group. Some "flavor" if you will.
It's a hard job but somebody's gotta do it. And every now and then, I might put wheat straw in my mouth, grab a pitchfork, and grimace menacingly that we have enough of your kind 'round here.
I do not deny the plurality of the nod but 'Sup. And a nod. Really? Who do you think came up with that?
Toms shoes are ugly. If you are pulled in by the whole buy one, then we donate one ploy, I have a suggestion. Buy some better looking shoes and then walk your ass to a non-profit and donate however much those shoes cost. Have you looked at the prices of Toms? They're not even cheap. You can't be expensive AND ugly. That's not how it works. 70 bucks for shoes that look like they were made by Muppets. This is just absurd. Do people wear these? I mean I know white people don't care how their shoes look as evidenced by Pretty Little Liars but come on. *But seriously did you guys see on Pretty Little Liars when two, count it, TWO characters got their shoes all muddy and dirty and they wore them to school anyway? To HIGH SCHOOL. Who does that? Not black people. Moreblackcharactersonteeveeplease.
pg. 12 - When asked to identify the evidence at trial that supported this contention (responsible procreation is really at the heart of society’s interest in regulating marriage), proponents’ counsel replied, “you don’t have to have evidence of this point.”
I mean I haven't been to law school or anything but I think you kinda do.
pg. 13 - Proponents’ procreation argument, distilled to its essence, is as follows: the state has an interest in encouraging sexual activity between people of the opposite sex to occur in stable marriages because such sexual activity may lead to pregnancy and children, and the state has an interest in encouraging parents to raise children in stable households.
Since they can't have kids accidentally, it would seem to me that it is more likely that kids of same sex couples are more likely to be in a stable home because their creation would be, by nature, premeditated.
Some Canadian already figured out how two women can have a baby. And it's still premeditated.
pg. 24 - Tam identified “the internet” as the source of information connecting same-sex marriage to polygamy and incest.
I guess he didn't bother to google Mormons while he was at it. Mormons def. can't be linked to polygamy. It's not at all ironic that Mormons gave money to fight an institution that will lead to polygamy. Anything leading to the acceptance of polygamy is not in their best interest. In fact, it's in their worst interest. Boooo. Mormons hate polygamy. Boooooo.
pg. 29 - Chauncey is a professor of history and American studies at Yale University
Yayyyyyy Chauncey
pg. 38 - The record does not reveal the reason behind proponents’ failure to call their expert witnesses.
Because they were full of shit. Easy enough. Put that on record.
pg. 45 - “Q: Is it your view that that man who has married one wife, and then another wife, and then another wife, and then another wife, and then another wife, and now has five wives, and they are all his wives at the same time, that that marriage is consistent with your rule of two? * * * A: I concur with Bronislaw Malinowski, and others, who say that that is consistent with the two rule of marriage.”
What the hell kind of math is that?
pg. 47 - Blankenhorn’s third opinion is that recognizing same-sex marriage will lead to the deinstitutionalization of marriage.
Yeah. Just like electing Obama deinstitutionalized racism
pg. 98 - Well-known stereotypes about gay men and lesbians include a belief that gays and lesbians are affluent, self-absorbed and incapable of forming long-term intimate relationships.Other stereotypes imagine gay men and lesbians as disease vectors or as child molesters who recruit young children into homosexuality.No evidence supports these stereotypes.
But I wanna be affluent and self-absorbed : - (
pg. 117 - California has created two separate and parallel institutions to provide couples with essentially the same rights and obligations.
Ooooh. Essentially. This is what essentially gets you.
In the beginning, (see what I did there) LDS raised all this money to hate on homos because the Head Mormons in Charge were like God contacted us. Personally. And was like cut that gay shit out. You HAVE to give these organizations your money because this is one of those times that our religion mandates you support something. And if you don't give a shit ton of money, we kickin' yo ass out.
God's To-Do Lost before Prop 8
God's To-Do List after. This is the one he sent to The Head Mormons in Charge
You see, stopping gay marriage became his TOP priority. Stopping gay marriage made God sleepy!
